Posts
Gordisms...
What happens if you fall behind in cosmetology school? You have to do make-up work. Fred made a movie about farm life.. But the film quality was too grainy and the plot was very corny. When I walk my dog I always tie a string to his collar... It's the leash I can do. Fred checked his home insurance policy. Found that if someone steals his blanket during the night, he's not covered. Fred has a terrible stutter By the time he told us his nana died, we were all singing Hey Jude. My resistance training program is going excellently at the moment. So far I've resisted training 5 days in a row. Fred said that he heard a buzzing in his ear. I told him not to worry, there is a bug going around. Fred and his wife first met in the computer repair shop where he worked. She had broken one of the keys on her keyboard...it was F8. If your business dissolves because it’s insolvent, you have a problem. But you also have a solution. When lawyers sleep they take turns lying on both sides. Fre
From Mel...
Subject: 3 Newfies and 3 Albertans . . . One morning, three Newfoundlander's and three Albertans were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies bought just one ticket. How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Albertans. Be watchin and learnin,' answered one of the Newfies. All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the three Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Albertans saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That afternoon when they got back to
Gordisms...
Someone asked me today if I was surprised by how little people change. I always assumed the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes. What do you do with 100 ripe peaches? You eat what you can, and you can what you can't. What do you do when your trampoline isn't working? Jump start it. The best way to connect with a Scotsman? Make "Aye" contact. The best thing about lying in bed? She believes you. Paint it Black forever changed the way I see a red door. Don’t you hate when you read read as read and not read, so you have to re-read read as read so you can read read correctly. Never iron a four leaf clover. You should never press your luck. If an AI were built using a quantum computer... ...would it identify as non-binary? They called her Cookie because she was a wafer so long. How do vegans quit smoking? Cold Tofurkey Fred believes he may identify as a beach. But he’s not shore.
Gordisms...
Fred usually gets the grilled salmon but last night he had the fish special. Just for the halibut. Fred is obsessed with IKEA furniture. He has Stock Home Syndrome. The airport has started an investigation after several travelers discovered pointed pieces of metal in their luggage. There's been a spike in cases. There are so many forms of martial arts. It's kind of Kung-Fusing. Cocaine jokes are pretty funny. The one-liners make me snort. You might think twenty parking spaces aren't very many. But it’s a lot. Fred wears memory foam insoles in his shoes. So he can remember why he walked into the next room. Fred wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert. But all she wanted to do was date. My car told me it needed fuel today… It was gas lighting me. Someone tore the fifth month out of my calendar.... Now I'm dismayed. Say what you want about high rollers… They put the "bling" in gambling. Jackson Pollock: Great artist, worst ever pictionary partner.
Gordisms....
Fred was disconcerted when people found out he couldn’t do addition. He was nonplussed. The most important insect? The signific-ant. Fred was arrested while making breakfast. He was caught poaching eggs. My wife asked why I'd hung bunches of grapes up to dry all round the house. I told her I have my raisins. Fred quit his job feeding chickens. Said it only paid a poultry sum of money. I dislike Scrabble so much that I can't even put it into words. I read a mediocre book about ancient Mongolian leaders. It had prose and khans. A flock of crows with a flock of ravens? A murder with unkindness. What do you call a group of 12 crows and 25 geese? A murder, most fowl. A ginger kid who’s good at martial arts? The Carroty Kid. Remember when the Hulk movies were coming out and were so popular? Apparently it was all the rage. Man's laughter is funny, but manslaughter isn't.
Gotta see.... hilarious....
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Gordisms...
I’m devastated. My nascent singing career has been derailed by a vocal cord injury. It’s hard to say what I’ll do next. Fred has sex daily. His doctor told him it’s completely common to have his letters all jumbled up. THe kind of fish you catch with a bookworm? Read snapper. All of a sudden every tree I see is a pine tree or a fir tree… My psychiatrist says I am experiencing Conifer-mation bias. Some people confuse Ribeyes with T-Bones but it’s nothing serious… It’s just a case of misteaken identity. If you’re ever stranded on a sheet of ice, you won’t be able to steer it. You’ll just have to go with the floe. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be able to order take out telepathically? Now that is food for thought. When the Naval academy admissions committee reviews applicants....... Do they sort them as innies and outies? A prostitute is a member of the fare sex. How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream. Sound engineers are not good as co-workers. They n
Hilarity from Doug...
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started by visiting a large apartment building near the university. He decided to just check apartments on the street side of the building. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John." "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply. He liked the esoteric answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again, "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff." "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of men in the building and all of them
Gordisms...
Fred was in a tracing competition once... But it ended in a draw. Soccer isn’t as hands-on as other sports. When I'm feeling sad I invest in the stock market. I find it helps to have some company. Fred finally bought his dream home. Unfortunately it was a wet dream, and he had to call the plumber to fix it. The difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is an IT standard. Fred recently met a woman. They aren’t dating or anything, but they always get together for breakfast on Sundays. They are friends with Benedicts. If you steal someone’s heart.. Do you get cardiac arrested? A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two people. That's why they call Fred handsome. His waiter said they’re out of toothpicks… Fred replied, "I’d like toothpick to the manager." Why was corduroy popular in the 60s? It's groovy. There once were mermaids that enticed sailors to their doom, not with song, but with sou
From Vince....
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------ ----------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------ ----------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------ ----------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.... ------------------------------ ----------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------ ---------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
Gordisms...
We couldn’t stop laughing at how we shared appetizers at dinner. It was truly sidesplitting. Fred is opening a breakfast bar that serves only corn flakes and pancakes. He is going to call it “Cereal Crepeist”. Fred once wrote an essay on the "pregnant pause" for his English class. The teacher docked him 10 marks for having so many contractions. Where do convicted hearing impaired criminals serve their time? Deaf Row. I deeply dislike people who talk about me when I'm not around. In fact, they discussed me. Don’t worry about not having a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. You probably didn’t have a groundhog on groundhogs day, either. Fred told a joke about noble gases. He didn't get a reaction. Fred likes to go up into his loft and play the bongos very loudly. It's a little drum attic. Fred read the dictionary start to finish. The storyline was hard to follow, but it had its defining moments. I'm on two diets I added the second one because the first didn't ha
Gordisms...
Fred and his wife constantly argue about whether to slice a head of lettuce into fourths or sixths. It’s a real wedge issue for them. The least serious place in the world? The Isles of Scilly. If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open. Usain Bolt’s son is really fast… I guess it runs in the family. Fred's alcoholic girlfriend could never be a lawyer. She could never pass a bar. What do you call it when a beggar goes on and on about nothing? A vague-rant. Fred patented a novel new way to make clothes less itchy and stiff. You could call him a soft wear engineer. Fred finished assembling some tennis equipment, and his ears started hurting. He made quite the racquet. The dating app for cannibals? Tender. I've only got two, maybe three good Motown puns. Four Tops. Dire Straits have just opened up a café... You pay money for muffins but the chips are free. Fred tried to get into Baroque era music. But he couldn't Händel it.
Gilles & Justin....
New Variant Canada ALERT - Gonorrhea Lectim. The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and is capable of crippling our country as we know it. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2019 when they re-elected Justin Trudeau's Liberals back into power and are now starting to realize how just destructive this sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called “Votemout” . It's pronounced "Vote-em-out." It can be picked up at your local pharmacy without a doctor's prescription. You take the first dose now as a Federal election can be called at any time, otherwise, Gonorrhea Lectim could eventually wipe out all life as we presently know it in
Gordisms...
A vegetable and a fruit started hooking up. They were friends with banana-fits. Fred knows a handful of jokes in sign language. As a joke, Fred shortened the rope used to fetch water in the local village. It didn't go down well. Fred's wife is addicted to French cheese. He's getting her checked into Briehab. Which profession sounds so much worse with a hard R? Therapist. Adolescence is the age between puberty and adultery. Most of us like yeast bread, but some of us prefer sourdough or even soda bread. I guess it's all down to how we're raised. Life and beer are very similar... Chill for best results. There are five Great Lakes in North America. But one is truly Superior. Fred just got back from the hospital… … and they think he might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsiliconiosis, but it's hard to say. It's easier to watch films like Das Boot, The Hunt for Red October and U-571 if you're hard of hearing because they're all sub-titled. Fred the mailman
Gordisms...
For their first date, Fred took his girlfriend to an ice rink where entry was half price. She called him a cheap skate. I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest. So I entered my friend. Fred got fired on the first day of his new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking." Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial." In the 1600s, Rene Descartes was conceptualizing a video conferencing program. Cogito, ergo Zoom. Fred's dog was rushed to the vet after swallowing a tennis ball. The vet said he’ll bounce back. My spiritual guide makes cheese as a hobby. I'm hoping he'll show me the whey. Fred can transform into a bowl of minestrone. He’s soup or human. A Japanese chef was arrested for financial crimes. He was involved in a ponzu scheme. Don’t troll fishermen. They’ll take their anchor out on you. Fred says the only way to really sharpen a pencil is to do it with a knife by hand. I want to tell
From Doug....
A woman with a salad walked past me in a restaurant as I was eating my burger. As she goes by she says: “You know that a cow died so that you could eat that beef burger.” I replied: ‘If you weren’t eating its food it might have survived.”
Gordisms....
Fred's wife doesn't trust Fred's new secretary. When asked why she just said "I've seen her type before." Fred tells Baghdad puns in the Middle East. And they’re all Islamabad. Fred hates being a recovering kleptomaniac. He just can’t take it anymore. Fred put up a marquee in his garden with some funky music and flashing lights. Now is the winter of his disco tent. More important than the invention of the first telephone? The invention of the 2nd telephone. What is the bleakest rank of the nobility? Baron.
Gordisms....
Fred likes studying the stone age. It's one of his favorite past times. Fred is a carpenter who specializes in building front doors and foyers. He likes to make an entrance. People who go to church do it religiously. A girl who cheats on her art assignment? Tracy Fred was diagnosed with mesothelioma. He's dealing with it asbestos he can. The Canadian version of America's "Biscuits and Gravy" sounds much fancier. It's Poutine on the Ritz. Fred likes studying the stone age. It's one of his favorite past times. Fred is a carpenter who specializes in building front doors and foyers. He likes to make an entrance. People who go to church do it religiously. A girl who cheats on her art assignment? Tracy Fred was diagnosed with mesothelioma. He's dealing with it asbestos he can. The Canadian version of America's "Biscuits and Gravy" sounds much fancier. It's Poutine on the Ritz.
Gordisms...
Fred was never very good at haggling. He always ended up paying the price. Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller. Others claim it's due to climb it change. Fred owned a coal company, but kept it to himself. Mined his own business. Pets are just a step backwards. Fred bought a dairy cow but she didn't produce any milk. She was an udder failure. Shouldn’t the fire escape really be called the human escape? Fred was never very good at haggling. He always ended up paying the price. Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller. Others claim it's due to climb it change. Fred owned a coal company, but kept it to himself. Mined his own business. Pets are just a step backwards. Fred bought a dairy cow but she didn't produce any milk. She was an udder failure. Shouldn’t the fire escape really be called the human escape?
Gordisms...
Fred joined the Cobbler Church. They heeled him and saved his sole. Fred has a phobia of apples. His psychiatrist told him to grow a pear. How can you tell if a quote is communist? It has quotation marx. I think I was supposed to take my car in because of a safety defect… But I don’t recall. Fred has a record player that only plays language lessons. He calls it a grammarphone. The other day I saw a couple weaving all over the road. I said, “honestly. Get a loom!”