crotchety ruv

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  Fred's therapist diagnosed him as "audio-averse". He didn't like the sound of that. Fred used to be quite slim. Then he became a gardener and he grew. Unlimited minutes per month is really just 44,640 minutes at most. Fred feels that his meditation practice is just becoming a mindless habit now.

 

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, ...

  Recently, Fred was in the mood for some Swedish pop music. But then he lost his ABBAtite. A talent for anagrams is often latent. In some sports you toss the ball to the fans after a victory.... You're not supposed to do that when bowling, I know that now. A world where everything is settled by a rap battle? Disstopia.

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  Fred has a contact lens problem.  He has no contact solution.. . Fred worked briefly as an underwear model. I don’t rise and shine, I caffeinate and hope for the best. I started a diet, but my fridge keeps staging interventions.

  Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Un...