crotchety ruv

 

  Fred finished reading the dictionary last night. The story line was hard to follow but it had its defining moments. Fred went to his doctor because every time he bent down he saw Mickey Mouse, and every time he stood up he saw Donald Duck. His doctor asked him how long he had been having these disney spells. Fred tried to start a business selling fish to the public. He couldn't scale fast enough to make it work. Fred mistook Anusol for Anbesol. It made him talk like an asshole.

 

  An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

  Doppelganger Radar: It measures the speed of people who look like you. I could talk to you for days about how I treat rashes. And that's just scratching the surface. At one point, Fred thought He’d be a successful writer for Hallmark. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t in the cards. Did I ever tell you how funny the word Pumpernickel is? No? I guess it’s my Rye sense of humour.

 

  Fred asked his therapist why he has such a fear of fruit? She said: “It's probably because of some deep berried trauma." "Golf is the epitome of precision and control,” he said. “That’s very well putt,” I said. Two lawn care guys were feuding. They were just a couple of mow foes. It'd be fun if we started calling drugs like Ozempic "Girth Control"