Gordisms...

Fred and his wife constantly argue about whether to slice a head of lettuce into fourths or sixths.

It’s a real wedge issue for them.

The least serious place in the world?

The Isles of Scilly.

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges...

My door is always open.

Usain Bolt’s son is really fast…

I guess it runs in the family.

Fred's alcoholic girlfriend could never be a lawyer.

She could never pass a bar.

What do you call it when a beggar goes on and on about nothing?

A vague-rant.

Fred patented a novel new way to make clothes less itchy and stiff.

You could call him a soft wear engineer.

Fred finished assembling some tennis equipment, and his ears started hurting.

He made quite the racquet.

The dating app for cannibals?

Tender.

I've only got two, maybe three good Motown puns.

Four Tops.

Dire Straits have just opened up a café...

You pay money for muffins but the chips are free.

Fred tried to get into Baroque era music.

But he couldn't Händel it.