crotchety ruv

  Al Pacino is set to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championship. It's called 'Scarf Ace'. Scotch will probably not solve your problems. But it's worth a shot. The other day, someone said that fear can turn us into animals. This thought was concerning enough to give me paws. Another name for breast reduction surgery? Decupitation. Fred had some eyeglasses custom made. They are his bespoketacles.

 

 

  Fred's job is top secret. Even he doesn't know what he is doing. An overweight Micronesian? Macronesian. The French wars of succession were such pedantic times. People were splitting heirs all over the place. What do you call a deepfake on a video call? Tele-phony. A friend liked to date lawyers. I told her at some point they'd lose their appeal...

from steve from doug.....   The Orange Turd is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!' This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?' Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'

  The secret to getting a job: applying yourself. Fred's desserts always brought the house down. The roof was in the pudding. I saw a sign at a music shore: "Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet." I don’t know how much more of this I can Handel. Fred came in 4th at a tea drinking competition. He'll chai harder next time. Robin Hood's least favorite font? The Serif of Nottingham. The opposite of irony? Wrinkly. Fred used to tell a great joke about Sisyphus. But he could never get to the end. Frigidaire… is not a great name for an oven. Just read my homeowners insurance policy. Apparently if someone were to break-in during the night and steal my blankets I wouldn't be covered. Fred uses sugar, honey, or even maple syrup to sweeten his tea. He is ambidextrose.

 

 

  My allergies are acting up like crazy. Oh, well…tis the sneezin’. Don’t go to an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet if you have a shellfish allergy. You could krill yourself. Fred asked his non-binary friend if he could borrow their guitar, but they had a minor car accident on the way to Fred's house. It was a gender bender Fender lender fender bender. Oscar Mayer just released a pasta sauce. It's a bolognaese.