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Fred's dog is always conflicted about wanting the ball to be thrown but also not giving up the ball... It's a real Fetch 22 . Fred went camping to relax. He didn't realize it would be in tents. I’ve had my filling of dentists jokes… …and optometrist jokes are even cornea. If you're naked in public and the elevator doesn't work, you'll encounter stairs.
Fred tried glass blowing but mistakely sucked in rather than blowing out. He got a pane in his stomach. A pallet of paprika and a pallet of oregano were stolen from a warehouse. Investigators believe this was the work of seasoned criminals. Fred's girlfriend dumped him for such "shortcomings" in his male "equipment". He said it's OK - he was never really that into her. Last night the history channel showed a documentary on the origin of U-Haul. Viewers that watched it said it was simply moving.
To save money on fuel Fred took the mirrors off of his car to reduce drag. He hasn't looked back since. Fred's house is a stone's throw away from the bus stop. It's the one with broken windows. Fred is researching flesh-eating bacteria. He’s been completely bitten by the bug. The bar for making good jokes has been lowered so much... 3 guys just walked into it.
Fred's tailor was taken to jail in cuffs. Because of his criminal ties - he really got stitched up. The hot beverage that improves your balance? Stabili-tea. Dermatologists often have no-show appointments. Their patients are often flaky. Lost stuff is always found in the last place you look. After you find it, you stop looking.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, ...
Recently, Fred was in the mood for some Swedish pop music. But then he lost his ABBAtite. A talent for anagrams is often latent. In some sports you toss the ball to the fans after a victory.... You're not supposed to do that when bowling, I know that now. A world where everything is settled by a rap battle? Disstopia.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Un...
Fred got a good deal on some scrap metal. It was a steel. Fredhasn’t been allowed back on a cruise ship. Ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding. Fred was bored so he swapped a few chocolate bars into different wrappers. His wife wasn't amused... She got her snickers in a twix. When a new dock is constructed, it’s required to undergo a rigorous inspection. It’s part of the pier review process.
Fred's dad sold abacuses for a living during the sixties... He was part of the counter culture. The song that Freudian psychoanalysts hate the most? Forever Jung. I hired a translator while traveling in Scandinavia. The guy was so good he could Finnish my sentences. Fred was trying to put a new hole in his leather belt, but wasn't able to, Despite giving it his awl.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. Fred's wife insists on being the one that does their taxes. She's Intuit. Fred recently started teaching arithmetic to midgets.. He says it's important to make the little things count. Fred has been dating an entomologist for a few months now. She still gives him butterflies.
How do you find out how many vampires there are? You Count Draculas. The music played over footage of No Kings Protests? Royalty-free music. Fred has been training his dog to fetch tools from the workbench. He isn't perfect, but he knows the drill. There is a new store called Moderation. They have everything in there.
Fred finished reading the dictionary last night. The story line was hard to follow but it had its defining moments. Fred went to his doctor because every time he bent down he saw Mickey Mouse, and every time he stood up he saw Donald Duck. His doctor asked him how long he had been having these disney spells. Fred tried to start a business selling fish to the public. He couldn't scale fast enough to make it work. Fred mistook Anusol for Anbesol. It made him talk like an asshole.
from doug...
An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Doppelganger Radar: It measures the speed of people who look like you. I could talk to you for days about how I treat rashes. And that's just scratching the surface. At one point, Fred thought He’d be a successful writer for Hallmark. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t in the cards. Did I ever tell you how funny the word Pumpernickel is? No? I guess it’s my Rye sense of humour.
Fred asked his therapist why he has such a fear of fruit? She said: “It's probably because of some deep berried trauma." "Golf is the epitome of precision and control,” he said. “That’s very well putt,” I said. Two lawn care guys were feuding. They were just a couple of mow foes. It'd be fun if we started calling drugs like Ozempic "Girth Control"