Posts
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Fred tried to get a part-time job at the circus, but he couldn't juggle it with other responsibilities. Fred isn’t the world’s greatest proctologist. But he's often right up there. If members of two different gangs look almost identical to each-other do we call them doppelgänger bangers?
There was a cowboy who really sang well. He had great range. Electricians make terrible sailors. They’re always running a ground, but they can navigate the current. Home run derby pitchers get a lot of criticism for using those protection nets… But they stand behind their decision. Why did the Norse lightning god have to put down his hammer? He had a Thor thumb
ruv's rant!.....
It was 35c with a humidex of 47 the other day. Hot sun. No breeze. A sweat bath! I'm getting out of my car, coming home from an errand and a neighbour walks by. "Crazy hot," she says. I look at her. She's wearing a black T-shirt and black shorts. I felt like saying, "no wonder you idiot! Who wears an all black outfit in this heat? Don't you know black attracts the heat? Ya should be wearing light colours you moron!" But it's a neighbour. Gotta be nice. So I answer, "oh yeah. Very hot and sticky". Then I head towards the front door of the house. Don't need to have any more discussions with this person. "Bye"
A circus fired their accountant. He was juggling the books. My neighbor spied on us for months with a telescope, so I went to his house and stole his tripod. It was time to take a stand. Fred's garden gnome didn’t win Yard Decoration Of The Year. It wasn’t even gnomenated. There's a gang systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ... The police believe they're still at large.
Fred was fishing last week and 200 yards of fishing line disconnected from his fishing rod. It was truly an unreel experience. Fred said, "Can I ask a stupid question?" And I replied, "Better than anyone I know." Fred bought a box of animal crackers yesterday but had to take them back. The seal was broken. Botanists crossed four leaf clovers with poison ivy. Touch it for a rash of good luck.
Holygarch: A minister who gets rich off his congregation. I once took a comedy and philosophy course. I laughed way more than I thought. It was just an ordinary day; nothing suggested a disaster. And then Fred's wife asked: "Do I look fat in this dress?" If a person is diagnosed with Kleptomania.... Does the doctor give them something to take?
Real comedians stand up for their jokes. We don’t discover truth—we refine our illusions. The best thing to drink if you are sick? Well water. The world cup is a lot like high school/ Scoring is so rare that when it happens a bunch of guys high five each other while the other side has huge looks of disappointment on their faces.
Fred, feeling very depressed, said the only thing that would make him feel better is a puppy. That is his cry for whelp. My boss once gave me an average rating, I said "that's mean". Fred opened up a deer cloning business... His goal is to make a quick buck, and maybe a little doe on the side. Fred read a book on confirmation-bias. At first he thought it was trying to spread lies, but by the end he was damn sure of it.
Fred is addicted to soft cheeses. He needs to get into briehab. A proctologist stopped breathing during a colonoscopy. He was assfixiated. The former Pfizer building NYC is falling down. And not one structural engineer suggests a blue pill. Fred is writing a joke about a slight breeze. But it’s just a draft right now.
Slashimi: raw fish that's been prepared by a samurai. The difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? One sews what she gathers; the other gathers what she sows. Fred said that his mom and dad were quite the opposite: His mom was always right and his dad left. A tea shipment Fred placed months ago finally arrived. He waited oolong time for it.
A local hospital was having trouble with their website. They paged the url-ologist. Why do people say "be there or be square". Because if you're not there, you're not a-round. Electric eels can only swim with the current. Swimming against it has too much resistance. If you bump your head on a coffee maker. will it leave a brews?
Fred crashed his Mini Countryman… He's now re-Cooper-ating. Fred tried making a volcano-themed cake. It was a recipe for disaster, and he blew his top when it failed. Fred knows some people who like to dress up as German philosophers. That's a pretty Nietzsche hobby. What'd the shirt say to the pants? 'Sup, britches?