Posts
Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodile species ranked from best to worst. I said “enough with your crocodile tiers” There was a time Fred was so broke that he couldn’t pay his electricity bills. Those were the darkest days of his life. Fred changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar... His life is a joke. Fred watched a documentary about Anne Boleyn. There was no mention of her sister Tenpin.
Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer, but they can’t decide who’s headlining. I’m anxiously following all the news on ABBA and Costello... to see who’s on first. Fred has an artificial limb that predicts the future. It's a prophetic leg. Fred told his therapist that he dreams that he is either a yurt or a teepee. Therapist said, relax, you are too tents. Fred doesn't always mean to skip breakfast but he just can't help it, he is a cereal procrastinator.
Carpenters who build staircases are good planners. They're always thinking one step ahead. Fred is a SCUBA diver who always takes an extra tank with him. He airs on the side of caution. Inscribed on a dentist's tombstone: I am filling my last cavity, The best pants to wear to go ghost hunting? A paranormal jeans.
Fred used to work as a carpenter for a living... But then he had to quit because he got completely board. Dwarfism isn’t funny. It’s a growing problem. Mistakes are part of the journey... At least when you're not a surgeon. Apparently mime-on-mime violence is a growing concern.. We just never hear about it.
Fred keeps buying shirts with bats on them. He is bat shirt crazy . I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. I am reading Yo-Yo Ma's autobiography. It really has its ups and downs. Fred's church serves noodles for communion. They're the Ramen Catholic.
Fred is writing a book about a really unusual graveyard. It has a weird plot. A stripper's favourite automotive brand? Polestar. Fred's wife found out he was cheating when she found a bunch of hidden letters. Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all. Fred's wife flew into a rage because he kept making Monty Python references He said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"
Morticians and electricians have one thing in common. They're both shocked when they touch a live one . It feels amazing to walk in a store and buy whatever you please.. Thank you dollar store! Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it's right up there. Its bad luck to be superstitious.
Some things are better left unsaid. I usually remember this right after I say them. Fred only watches videos about dwarves, gnomes and goblins. He's addicted to short-form content. If you want a job in the hand lotion industry, the best advice Is to apply daily. An Irish grandmother with heart issues? Angie O’Gram.
Golf: The art of playing fetch with myself. Fred isn't just a locksmith, he is also a great mentor. He opens a lot of doors for people. Fred got into mountain climbing just so he could get to the top of the world… and take a peak. Fred meant to download a calendar app for his phone, but downloaded a colander app instead. Now his battery keeps draining
We all know mirrors don't lie… And in a moment of self reflection, I realized that I'm grateful that they don't laugh. Fred made a list of all his favorite NFL players turned criminals. It’s got its pros and cons. When Fred discovered he was holding his new taser the wrong way, he was stunned. I used to think Chewbacca was an Ewok. Wookie mistake.
Fred's neighbor has had a plumbing problem in his backyard for a while now that causes a slow, constant leak into Fred's garden. Fred says it's not that big of a deal but does find it irrigating. The aging actor who paid his home off? Mortgage Freeman, Fred caught a really bad cold while visiting Antwerp. He says he is now phelgmish. Someone called me a peasant. It was a feudal attempt to insult me.
A friend was telling me about the time when she used to have implants. They're just a distant mammary now. When it comes to roof inspections, I only understand the basics. Most of it is over my head. I can never remember knock-knock jokes. They don't ring a bell. How high do you need to be to jump with a parachute? Three days of drinking should do it.
