Posts
My foot fell asleep this morning. Guess you could say I was coma-toes. Fred is going out on halloween carrying a hot dog and a beer mug. He'll be Frank and Stein. Fred asked his wife to stop shaking the orange juice before she pours it, but she keeps doing it. He says that it's so damn agitating. Fred's wife decided to try a home birth, unfortunately there were a lot of complications... She had a midwife crisis.
Many historians argue that it was the Mongols who set the standard for pillaging an entire city. But it was the Vikings who razed the bar. I got my blood drawn recently. Great artist, niche subject matter. Do the Japanese drink alcohol for the sake of it? Fred quit being a firefighter due to constant burnout
Fred has published an album of his favorite bird songs that he's recorded. He's calling it his Greatest Tits. Fred is trying to stay consistent lifting weights. But it's something he keeps picking up then putting back down. Joni Mitchell became a US citizen. She looks at life from both sides now. Fred is a real magician in the kitchen. When it's time to cook, he disappears.
Fred’s therapist used to be an electrician. He says Fred has a lot of potential, but needs a better outlet. Fred got booed by his family and friends because the fireworks he lit went off in the wrong sequence They were bang out of order. Having a hard time finding a Halloween costume? You can always go as the person you pretend to be on Facebook. I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting trolleys. He must have been pushing 70.
Fred bought an expensive firstaid kit. He figured he’d treat himself. Fred is proud of all his hobbies except for his microscope collection. He looks down on that one. Fred went to the doctor to get treated for a skin condition. The doctor said that he’d need more time to diagnose the problem because he didn’t want to make a rash decision. What do Dracula's duvet and a KOed boxer have in common? They are both down for the count.
Abatement companies can’t guarantee they’ll remove ALL of the toxic substances from your new house… But they’ll try asbestos they can. When someone says to "hold your horses", they want you to be stable. Fred is dyslexic and has an absolute fascination with etymology which he says is the study of the history and origin of sword. When you think about it, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
It seems that there is a world wide shortage of hobby horses for carousels. There aren’t enough to go around. What horses consider play, monkeys consider business, but to Tom, it's all foolery. It's ironic that pregnant women can only have virgin drinks. Transgender people aren’t what they used to be.
from doug....lmao
A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" "Yes, I will," came the reply. "And drinking?" "I will give up drinking as well." "And going to the club with your cronies?" "Yes, I will." "And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally. "I have already given up the idea of marrying you."
A veterinarian who specializes in treating marsupial inflammation? A kanga-rheumatologist. Fred wrote a book about the Black Death and sent it to a publisher, but they rejected it… They accused him of Plaguerism. A reality TV show about auto mechanics? Keeping Up with the Car-dashians. Puns, farts and children have something in common. They're only funny when they're your own.
The doctor told Fred's wife her body couldn’t support twins… There just isn’t enough womb. A person that isn't accepted for gender reassignment surgery? Trans-action declined. Pessimists see a bathroom stall without a door while optimists see a shit show ready to happen. Fred's italian sportscar got in a crash and now it's al dented.
Some breads are considered aphrodisiacs. Especially the ones made with libidough. A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left. You might think your grass is nicer than your neighbor’s, but it’s best to keep that opinion to yourself. You don’t need to start a turf war. Fred’s navigation app kept giving him the wrong directions. So he realized that he had to change his Waze.
Fred is homeless and always traveling around trying to find a new place to settle, but it doesn't make him angry. He's a no-mad. Fred got angry when people were burning perfume. Incensed in fact . Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues. Fred saw a pigeon open its mouth without making a sound and realized he had just witnessed a failed coo attempt.