Posts
Fred is writing a magical fairy-tale about lawsuits. It starts… “One subpoena time, in a land far far away…” Fred saw a video on YouTube last night about a guy who made a timepiece for your wrist out of granite. It was a hard watch. Bee it ever so bumble… …there is no place like comb. The best way to embarrass a psychic? Throw them a surprise party
Fred was hospitalized after tripping onstage and falling headfirst into a drum kit. The doctor said he had a percussion. Fred's friends keep trying to get him drunk. It’s a form of beer pressure. Why did the cat cross the road? Because the chicken had a laser pointer. Fred's toilet was spraying water everywhere. He was having a bad bidet.
Fred got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday. It must have been something he said. Fred is writing a book about all the things he should be doing in his life. It's an oughtobiography. Medically induced comma: when your doctor corrects your punctuation. An obsession over pillows can really get to people: First it’s the synthetics-stuffed pillows…Then the cotton pillows…Then it’s all Down from there…
At one time, Fred was very poor and couldn't even pay his electricity bill. That was the darkest period of his life. Fred told me his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall. I said I'd like to meter. Fred was digging for dinosaur leg bones and thought he had found one... But it was a fossil arm. The incontinent Scotsman had a wee problem.
Fred was difficult to work with until he fell into a bin of carpenter’s tools Now he’s levelheaded and totally squared away. He does look a little plane and has a raspy voice… but at least he’s not plumb loco anymore. Fred has a penchant for buying and storing Swedish goods in his house. His therapist says I suffer from Stock-home syndrome. A burrito is just a sleeping bag for beans. Sometimes the "solution" is to find out that the solution does not exist.
Fred is writing a paper titled "Water Condensation on Grass" for his employer. It's dew in the morning . The word 'nothing' is a palindrome... Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing. The city's road work department is laying off a lot of workers. They invented a shovel that stands up by itself. After years of watching cave exploration videos I've finally figured out what they are all searching for inside those caves. Common sense, and they never find it.
Fred hosted a Roman-themed party with the only entertainment being a sculpture. It was a bust. Fred failed his beer exam despite cramming for hours. All that work to know of ale. Fred is addicted to doing stunts in Westerns. He was sober for three years but then he fell off the wagon. Fred's wife said a lot of gossip is going around about the new tenants next door. Fred said, “They’re probably just roomers
After massive public outcry from users believing Alexa was listening on everything, Amazon has announced it will be releasing a male version, as it won't be listening to anything at all. Sesame Street’s vampire has wandered away again. He’s done it so many times, they’ve lost Count. When Fred was younger he wanted to be a chiropractor. But then he found out it was back breaking work. Fred is only attracted to cookware, does that make him a pansexual or a pothead?
When beating eggs, I like to figure out for how long by myself. It's a calculated whisk. Did you hear about the model railway enthusiast couple? They recently got N-gauged! Our server at brunch asked if we had any questions. I said, “Yeah, how’s the French quiche?” He said, “Traditionally with eyes closed and a lot of tongue.” Fred has an irrational fear of Vietnamese food. His pho-bia.