Posts
After massive public outcry from users believing Alexa was listening on everything, Amazon has announced it will be releasing a male version, as it won't be listening to anything at all. Sesame Street’s vampire has wandered away again. He’s done it so many times, they’ve lost Count. When Fred was younger he wanted to be a chiropractor. But then he found out it was back breaking work. Fred is only attracted to cookware, does that make him a pansexual or a pothead?
When beating eggs, I like to figure out for how long by myself. It's a calculated whisk. Did you hear about the model railway enthusiast couple? They recently got N-gauged! Our server at brunch asked if we had any questions. I said, “Yeah, how’s the French quiche?” He said, “Traditionally with eyes closed and a lot of tongue.” Fred has an irrational fear of Vietnamese food. His pho-bia.
My doctor asked me if I was sure that I had a problem with my right ear. I said yes I'm definite. It's been three weeks since Dolly died. Fred is still suffering from post-Parton depression. Was Jefferson Davis voted most likely to secede in High School? Fred identifies as a threat. His pronouns are Try/Me.
A Malaysian primate born between 1945-1964? Boomerangatan. What are you if you have custard and jelly in one ear and cake and cream in the other? A trifle deaf. The police are investigating an abandoned car with an incomplete set of golf clubs inside. They're still looking for the driver. Fred really loves singing so he joined a club, but at the first meeting everyone was talking about clarified butter. He had accidentally joined the Ghee club
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance. I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet. You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up. If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot
I never sent a pun about guns... But I'll give it a shot. The escargot race went down to the wire. It was a snail-biter. Fred was planning on getting the mower out, but his wife was in a good mood. So he told her to put on the lawngerie. Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a family. Me: That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.
Usain Bolt could be the next US president. His name even begins with USA. He just needs to run for office. It's impossible to lose a homing pigeon If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. Fred worked for only one day at a perfume factory...made no scents at all. Fred's boss gave both his grown kids cushy management positions where all they have to do is sleep all day. It’s blatant nepotism.
A store in town is selling pillow covers for $50 each! What a sham. Fred asked the librarian if they had a series of books on amplifiers, and she replied yes what volume would you like . The industrial site that always smells the strongest? The ol’ factory. Fred has a friend who always manages to mess up every situation. Ms. Handel.
