crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

The lab crossed a coho salmon with a sockeye salmon. Got a cockeyed salmon.   Fred just got fired from his job as a set designer. He left without making a scene.   What do chihuahuas start their dinner with? Yappetizers   Robots don't have brothers, they have tran-sisters.   When Fred told his therapist about his compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances, she said, “That’s disconcerting!”   Fred identifies as a trolley. He thinks heI may come out as tramsgender.   I was once trapped on a desert island... And to be honest, my five favorite albums didn’t help at all.   I wanted to produce my own carpets But I'm not rugged enough

https://globalnews.ca/news/7980189/exorcism-home-depot-lumber-wood/  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/chef-dies-after-falling-into-vat-of-soup-at-iraqi-wedding-hall/ar-AALDf1i?li=AAggNb9  

 

 

 

 

  What do you call an old snowman? Water.   How does punctuation learn to be intimate? By reading the Comma Sutra.   Fred quit his job as a treadmill tester He just felt like he wasn’t going anywhere.   Aladdin was banned from the magic carpet race He was caught using performance enhancing rugs   Someone has glued my pack of cards together... I don't know how to deal with it.   Fred lost his job at the bank today. He's gotta let his wife know, but doesn't know how to teller.   The zookeeper gave all the pandas phones They were going crazy! It was Pandaphonium   69% of people find something suggestive in every sentence.   I wonder how many calories I burn when I run away from my problems.   I’m writing a book about reverse psychology Please don’t buy it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEcNWfL_XxU  

 

 

 

 

 

  If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery... You don’t know what you’re missing. What do you call a girl who is good at catching fish? Annette.   What kind of candy do they have in the Middle East? Chewish ones.   NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars.. So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

 

 

 

 

 An Italian sauce chef had a bad dream It was a night marinara   An insect landed on my soft French cheese, briefly.   What type of digital payment do religious people prefer? Praypal   Contrary to popular belief, Mount Everest is not packed with climbers all year round... ... just gets busy at peak times.   Have you heard the one about the magician with the black eye? His doc said not to worry, it was just an optical contusion.

  Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”! "You're on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill. So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd. "What happened?” asked Connie. "I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

  Self analysis If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself   I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo And I was like 0mg   When you roast your friend from at least 6ft away... Social distance zing   Jokes about eyes are getting cornea and cornea.   lmao   ruv   I chose not to go to the doctor for my skin irritation. It was a rash decision. I've just had a leaflet put through my mailbox saying, "You can still have sex at 75." You have no idea how excited I was to read that. I live at 67, so I don't have far to go!   I got my dream job at a guillotine factory. I'll beheading there shortly.   I like Freudian slips as much as the next gay.   I just bought a new cologne made with Holy water....Eau my God   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/us/2021-on-track-to-be-deadliest-year-of-us-gun-violence-in-2-decades/ar-AALoy3o?li=AAggNb9  

  What insect is considered religious? A mosque-ito When you're playing midget limbo, you're setting the bar real low.   Went for a job interview today, at IKEA. The manager said “Come in, make a seat”   The man who invented the Ferris wheel desperately wanted to meet the person who invented the Merry Go Round. Unfortunately they travelled in different circles.   I bought an antique mirror... Because I want to reflect upon the past   Having insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side, only three more sleeps till Christmas.   What's the difference between a mime and a rock? One's a little timid, one's a little boulder. People are so desperate for employees now That the sign say long haired freaky people please apply   I was given LSD and MDMA last night What a lousy start to a game of Scrabble   What happens when a cow goes out into a field in the summer? It becomes pasturized   I've started a correspondence course, &qu

  Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach.  They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.   The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?   There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."   The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/canada/atheists-humanists-sue-over-mississippis-license-plates/ar-AALmvla?li=AAggFp5  

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INY5mpBiVCo  

 

 

 

  Fred bought the love of his life some fish from Washington, but she dumped him immediately afterwards. Oh well he thought, there's plenty more fish in DC.   I have emotional constipation Haven't given a crap in days.   Brutalist architecture might become popular, but nothing is set in concrete yet.   If you think that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough... the vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...   I had a spiritual awakening at the dentist... It was a trance and dental experience.   Why is pride month in the summer? Because pride goeth before the fall.   What did the rockstar say when he told his son to finish the yardwork? Rake on through to the other side  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/video/news/stolen-audi-loses-all-4-tires-in-dramatic-police-chase/vi-AALiUFe  

 

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/money/other/one-amazon-warehouse-reportedly-destroys-130000-items-per-week-including-macbooks-covid-19-masks-and-tvs-some-of-them-new-and-unused/ar-AALhbxG?li=AAggNb9  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/health/wellness/6-surprising-things-your-poop-can-reveal-about-your-health/ss-BB1dK7qu?li=AAggNb9  

https://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2014/02/heres-a-list-of-58-gender-options-for-facebook-users  

 

 

 

 

  What's an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.   My reclining chair needs maintenance It needs a rear end in it   It's amazing that birds can successfully navigate accross huge distances while migrating, considering they're just winging it.   What's the leading cause of injury in old men? Thinking they are young men   I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint. 64 metres.   National Calendar Illiteracy Day is June 31st.   Fred wrote a screenplay about sieves... But the plot was full of holes

  From Rags to Riches Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?" The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market." "What's your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply. The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account." The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and sa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  You DO NOT have to be a Newfie to truly appreciate this. Actual letter from A Newfoundlander-renewing passport. A must read. "Truer words were never written." This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office, from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport. Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date. Do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being a

  A frustrated student handed in his exam. "I've been writing for two hours, yet I haven't answered a single question!" he complained. "Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.   The sound of glass breaking is pane-ful.   I don't know why I love puns so much. It's just how eye roll.   Germany and the USA are so different When you say 911 one thinks car and the other thinks plane   Birthday gifts are rewards for not dying this year.   A good sign for a strip club during the daytime is: Sorry, we're clothed.   Do heavy metal bands have lead guitars ?   My Chemistry Teacher always told me that sulphuric acid should never be left in a metal beaker.. ..it was an oxidant waiting to happen.   My friend works as a captain on a container vessel that transports nylon stockings. He runs a tights ship.   You gotta hand it to short people... Cause they can't reach it   After watching

 

 

  > > Justin Trudeau walks into BMO to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier > > he says "Good morning ma'am could you please cash this cheque for me?  > > > > Cashier "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?  > > > > Trudeau: "Truthfully I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there > > was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada" > > > >  Cashier: "Yes sir I know who you are, but with all the regulations and > > monitoring of banks because of imposters and forgers and requirements of the > > banking legislation etc. I must insist on seeing ID"  > > > > Trudeau: " Mon Dieu! I am urging you SVP to cash this cheque" >  > > > > Cashier: "Look Mr Trudeau, here is an example of what we can do. One day > > Tiger Woods came in to the bank without ID. To prove he was Tig

https://www.motor1.com/news/514736/toyota-hilux-dropped--from-helicopter/  

https://calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/restaurant-ordered-closed-after-mouse-droppings-found-in-sauce  

https://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/centre-block-renovation-to-take-until-at-least-2030-to-complete-cost-up-to-5b-1.5474574  

 

 

 

  I got an email the other day telling me how to read maps backwards Turns out it was just spam.   Totalitarian governments aren't really that different from trained soldiers. They both fight in formation.   Gazpacho soup I've been a fan since before it was cool.   I have OCD and ADD, which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.   What's the definition of a Yankee? It's like a quickie, but you do it to yourself.

  https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/yemen-fishermen-hit-jackpot-with-million-dollar-find-in-whale-s-belly/ar-AAL6SoQ?li=AAggFp4

 

 

 

 

https://www.cnbc.com/video/2016/03/16/this-hot-robot-says-she-wants-to-destroy-humans.html