Posts
I had a petroleum joke for you, but it was crude. I'll try to come up with something more refined . Fred's wife has reached an age where she takes lots of little breaks throughout the day... He calls it "many-pause. " My favourite sandwich? Punini. The high point of Fred's life was when he scaled Mount Everest. He really peaked.
Fred wrote a book about people who died in bizarre gardening accidents. He titled it Four Weedings and a Funeral . It's a crime to break the rules of English grammar. Violators will be subject to the sin tax. Fred put root beer in a square cup. And it’s just beer now. Some politicians trying to redistrict Texas are walking around the neighborhood aimlessly. They are gerrymeandering.
Fred told me he performed as a ventriloquist to put himself through school to become a proctologist. I think he is talking out of his ass. Fred's wife gave birth on their stairs. He now has a step son. Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources have softer hides, rated A. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are D hide rated. Fred can’t believe there’s a unit of measure that has six foot increments. He just can’t fathom it. Fred wants to be a skydiving instructor. That’s a descent career.
For years I believed the Earth was flat. Then I turned four. Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves. It’s time to have a real look at how we are being misled by the media. We need to have a proper gander. There is no need for pilots to actually have a flight plan. They should just wing it.
2 from doug...
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?"" The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sen...
Last Halloween, Fred dressed up as the Flash. He was arrested for indecent exposure. I don’t understand hit and runs. Just hit and drive away, you can get away much faster. Fred told his wife that he felt like runny down the street naked, so she sprayed him with windex. It stops streaking. Even though I'm allergic to wheat, I eat it anyway. I'm a gluten for punishment.
Fred always struggled with exponents. He never understood the magnitude of the situation. What do you get when a cop tires you out? A rest. Why do Brides always cry at their wedding? Because they never marry the best man. I remember back when our son had questions about the difference between classic rock and disco. So, I had to do my fatherly duty and have a little talk with him about the Byrds and the Bee Gees.
Fred is against putting additives in tomatoes paste. He's a pureeist. Having a colonoscopy wasn't the worst medical procedure I've ever endured, but it was definitely up there. The local hockey rink's Zamboni driver has gone missing. No doubt he will eventually resurface. I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.... but sofa so good.
To be good at yoga, you have to focus on your breathing. To be good at swimming, you have to focus on your not-breathing. If you install batteries backwards in an electric toothbrush... Do you reverse the molarity? The muffler and the suppressor are very similar in principle and were invented by the same guy. It’s baffling technology. There's new Irish logistics manager at Fred's work. His name is Bill O’Lading.
Why was the scale salesman so frustrated? Orders were light, and he got sick of weighting for the financials to balance out. Fred went to a restaurant for a birthday party and they made it easy to take the leftovers home. It was a piece of cake. Baldwin is a cool name... It's the opposite of Hairloss. Fred asked his wife if their kids were spoiled. She said “all kids smell that way. “
Fred the bartender got caught stealing from work. He was charged with em-booze-elment. Where did Harry Potter go to watch mixed martial arts? Octagon Alley, News item from Rome: body found boiling in large pot of lightly salted water. It's believed the body is that of Italian religious leader, Pastor Alfredo. Police are working hard to al dente-fy the suspect. Fred is a mechanic who often neglects to shower after work. He usually wakes up oily in the morning.
from doug...
Man: I want to live forever Priest: Then get married Man: Then I'll live forever? Priest: No, but you won't want to live forever! Ladies, never apologize to a man, just sleep naked and see how long he wants to stay mad. Dear people who type in all lower case, we are the difference between people who help your Uncle Jack off the horse, and help your uncle jack off the horse. Sincerely, Capital Letters. Wife: Do you love me just because my father died and left me a fortune? Husband: Of course not, it doesn't matter to me who left the fortune. A recent study shows that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Put 100 women and 10 men on an island, and in 100 years you'll find men, women, boys and girls. Put 100 trans-women and 10 men on an island, and in 100 years you'll find the skeletons of 110 men. Sorry folks, it's science. Marriage is like a casino, you go in excit...
You can't write short stories about boxers because then they'd be briefs. Fred once threw a bagel at a policeman. He was charged with assault with a deli weapon. A guy rolled up on an expensive looking bicycle and asked if I wanted to buy it. He was a crook peddling stolen goods. The human body is 60% water and 40% gunk. I thought taxidermists had monotonous jobs. But it turns out they do a lot of stuff.
Fred has been thinking about getting a popular 80's hairstyle... but he's gonna mullet over before he commits. Everyone can tell I don't usually stand up straight... ...or maybe I just have imposture syndrome.. Two red-headed comedians absolutely bombed at the club last night. They were mercilessly freckled. When something gets stuck in my throat, I dislodge it with a cold beer It's called the Heineken maneuver.
An atomic clock abruptly stopped. It must have received a cesium desist order. I tried to hang a picture of Diana Ross, but there ain’t no mounting high enough. The favourite drink on the set of Oceans Eleven? Heist tea. Fred finally decided to give up his career as a graffiti artist. The writing's been on the wall for a long time .
