crotchety ruv

https://youtu.be/sJz3pwlS5_g  

 

 

  Fred wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It's a step by step guide I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them... I can tell when they're standing too. Fred ate an entire feather pillow last week Since then He's been feeling down in the dumps. Jeff Bezos may be richer than all of us But he still puts his pyjamazon one leg at a time My winter hand coverings don't always keep my hands warm. They work intermittenly. What kind of noise does a train make? A low commotion. If you want a job in the hand lotion industry, the key is to apply every day. Fred figures that he has a really nice butt, because every time he turns around he hears people whisper, "What an ass!"

 

 

https://www.motor1.com/news/570123/new-bullitt-film-steven-spielberg  

https://fb.watch/bqosxOlVWe/  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5Ghs9llypk  

 

 

 

 

  Know why the letters a, e, i, o, and u are so angry? Irritable vowel syndrome. They have Baby Gap and Kids Gap, shouldn't there be one for the elderly... Age Gap? Fred  is convinced that he's a sharp pointed tool... He's going to needle the help he can get. This celebrity provides color commentary for MMA matches, has a widely popular podcast, and can keep you from losing your hair Who is Joe Rogaine The best way to speed up a one sided argument is to use an accele-rant. Fred's  wife made him stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke I’ve got a statue of a young Darth Vader. I call it Mannequin Skywalker

 

 

 

  Many of my  posts seem to go viral... ...ah the life of a social media influenza. My dentist is a really mean guy He always hurts my fillings. Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor Nightclub... ...was not a bouncer. What do you call it when the Viagra wears off? Viagra Falls Fred went to a puzzle convention and carelessly bumped into a woman. Needless to say, many crosswords were exchanged. Frank is a guy who always tells it like it is. Why did the first mortgage seek out a second mortgage? Because it didn’t like being a loan. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford restaurants. He could binomials.

*Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.* *Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity, too.* *Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as a newborn and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."* *She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your newborn size winky."* *Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.* *As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.* *She said, "You told me your winky was the size of a newborn

 

  I used to be indecisive, but now I just don't know. I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they are hatching some evil plan. You know how the pharaohs of Egypt got so wealthy? Pyramid scheme What's good when you do it yourself, but bad when someone else does it for you? Getting stoned. The most curious superhero? “I wonder” Woman A  brewed beverage that only has a slight flavor is a subtle-tea. All brooms go back and forth gathering dirt on hard surfaces But that's a sweeping statement. I do not want to hear any more jokes about cows…. I’ve herd them all so don’t udder a single word. They prohibited television in Afghanistan They call it a Telly Ban. Do gay midgets come out the cabinet

 

 

     

  Don't worry if your phone corrects 'fuck' to 'duck' You're still using fowl language. I like this new trend of taping stuff to the wall and calling it art. I hope it sticks. Fred did too many squats and now his quads and glutes are massive... He is going to call in thick today . Fred was trying to lose weight just by wearing bread on his head. It's a new loaf hat diet he's trying. I endorse podiums... That's a product I can stand behind. A manicurist left her cheating husband She filed for divorce The unit of measure for social influence? Instagrams What famous Led Zeppelin song was written during their bodybuilding days? Steroid To Heaven

  IRISH REMORSE Apology from an Irish Hospital...such compassion   DEAR MR.FLANAGAN, We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We sincerely regret the amputation.

  A snake is basically just a bag of throat. This whole situation with Russia and ukraine Is a little off Putin Why did the polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride “Why did you tear up that novel?” “Well, to make a long story short…” Fred used to smoke Marijuana before any big examination. He always passed them with flying colors. My family and I were discussing our spirit animals tonight Mine was a hawk but I have an alter eagle I tried to make reservations at the library It was completely booked I create sculptures using toaster pasteries as my medium... I call it Popt-Art.

 

 

 

 

  Hyperbole is the greatest word of all time. Isn’t “iPhone Charger” just a fancy term for Apple Juice? Fred  doesn't like burnt toast... You could say that he's Black Toast Intolerant... Not every baker loves their job. Some are just in it for the dough. Everyone has heard the one about the guy trying to steal your cheese: “ hey, that’s nacho cheese!” … but how about the guy trying to steal your chiles?: “hey those ancho chiles!” I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain he suggested a tap on the head. If you haven't heard the legend of the medieval Japanese warriors... Allow me to Samurais it for you. Why did they let an Englishman name the Eiffel Tower? Because Je-suis-tombé Tower sounded dumb. When a male grey wolf takes over a pack, he adopts his rival’s puppies He becomes the SteppenWolf I drink beer as medication, It cures all that ales me Karen lost her job as a seamstress. And she tried sew hard.

  US College Footballisms. . . . "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football "...– John Heisman, first football coach at Rice "A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."    - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame "I never graduated from Iowa. But I was there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."  – Alex Karras / Iowa "I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."    - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State " Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."   - Shug Jordan / Auburn "Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."   - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State " If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."   - Murray Warmath / Minnesota "The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."  -

 

 

 

 

  Hanging is the number one cause of death for stick figure people. The loneliest billionaire? Alone musk. Why are tightrope walkers so healthy? They eat well-balanced meals. The difference between a campfire and a pyre? One's low on the ground and the other is a pyre. I broke my can opener. Now it's a can't opener. My wife asked me why the bottle of wine she bought in the morning was half empty. I told her that it was because she was a pessimist. Fred  was an Uber driver once then he got fed up with people talking behind his back. Americans will never switch to the metric system It keeps getting struck down by the Supreme Quart. I once referred to a man as an extinguished gentleman He was put out. The Pentagon was initially supposed to be The Octagon. Unfortunately the contractors cut corners.

  Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."   We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.   Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"   I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."   We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.   My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"   I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."   Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.   She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.   Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her. She replied: "You seem

 

  I got kicked out of Procrastinators club for showing up to our first meeting. Climbing up a pole is much harder than climbing down a pole, but given a choice, I would choose the ladder. What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse? A brothelsprout. I was cryogenically frozen for a while until someone woke me up early. I really lost my cool What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions ? A palindromedary Dance like no one is watching but text, post and email like it will be read in court one day. Since they have Batman shampoo Why don't we have Conditioner Gordon Zuckerberg announced today that Meta employees will henceforth be called Metamates Amazon Prime employees are going bananas To whoever stole my cloning machine: I hope you can live with yourself.

 

 

  A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: "Forgive me father for I have sinned". "What have you done?" asked the priest. "A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her". The man stopped talking but kept weeping. "Well don't cry, it's a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Mary's and it will be forgiven". Said the priest. "But it doesn't end there" the man kept sobbing. "a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring d

  I don't like the contraction for we will... But I don't want to reinvent the we'll. Fred was a marksman but had to give up shooting. After that, his life was aimless Seatbelts are a fastenating innovation. Stairs and Segways don't mix... but they both get you from one story to another You hear about the green onion who started a hip hop career? He was a real rapscallion. Fred made Eggs Benedict for his Valentine this year. He was hoping to have a "Friends with Benedicts" relationship When asked if I was aware that Thailand used to have a different name, I replied "Yes, I am."

  THE LECTURE Ron Chester, 93 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2:00 a.m. and was asked where he was going.    Ron replied, “Well, officer, I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects alcohol, smoking and staying out late have on the human body."   The officer asked, "Really, so you’re going to a lecture? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"   Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

 

  A man rushed into a Doctor's office, shouting 'help me please, I'm shrinking'. The Doctor calmly said 'now settle down a bit', 'you'll just have to learn to be a little patient'. My wife said she was leaving me after my obsession with monkeys ... I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face... Just realized that the song "Take On Me" was released almost 38 years ago... Bit of an A-ha moment for me. The furniture store keeps calling me All I wanted was one night stand I don’t know if you’ve heard of these machines which tell you if it’s safe to have another drink or not… ATMs I think they’re called. Fred's  wife wanted peace and quiet while cooking.. .. so he took the batteries out of the smoke detector. My wife decided to switch us from Crest to Colgate. It’s a nice change of paste. My philosophy of life is "play it by ear" and "go with the flow", but my reality is that I'm tone-deaf and sink like a stone

 

 

  95% of Americans believe sewage treatment plants smell terrible... according to a new Pew Research poll. Fred got fired from Starbucks for making coffee too dark. They said it was grounds for termination. To everyone out there suffering from paranoia… …Just remember you’re not alone. What do you call a man in debt? Owen This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. What do you call a mediocre artist? Picaso-so. What do you call a quesadilla you eat for breakfast? A buenosdilla Did the little foreplay come before the big bang?