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Gordisms....
There is an unsolved robbery at IKEA The police are having trouble putting the pieces together. Accountants find tax season gets tough when there are a lot of additions to consider. Sum days are more challenging than others. Fred really doesn't know how he lost his legs He's completely stumped I heard there was a guy who was allergic to naan Turns out it was a turban legend. Fred said that there's only one problem with his 6 figure salary. It was the decimal point. I read a news story from France about coffee, and it was really well written. The French press is very good I told my photographer I needed a picture of soup. He handed me some stock photos.
Gordisms...
If you bribe someone with curry Then you’re using curry flavour to curry favour What do you call a fragrant Tomato? A roma Fred thought reading a cookbook would be boring But it had several stirring chapters. What can you make from garbage to stay warm? A waste coat. With great power comes great electricity bill. F Roadkill occurs most in rundown areas. The grammarian worried about his bowel resection surgery because even he was unsure if he knew how to use a semicolon. Dogs are good at delegating They like to bark orders I excel at saying40 in Roman numerals A church in Japan uses noodles instead of communion wafers. They're Ramen Catholic Fred did some legal work for some prostitutes. Never got paid. Just did all the work pro boner Fred was given a jigsaw with his face on it, he looked puzzled.red is a masseur who HATES having to work with female clients. He is such a massagynist. A boiled egg is hard to beat. My favorite teacher at school was Ms. Turtle, a strange name, but sh
Gordisms...
A cow that cannot produce milk is an udder disappointment. I made my elderly neighbor some bread. It was the yeast I could do. Fred's chicken stopped laying eggs when she got older He said she was going through henopause. If you have trouble falling asleep: Lie on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off. The difference between an archeologist and an architect? An archeologist can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door. My feelings about rainbows are on the spectrum Billy Joel's laundry is still wet. He didn't start the dryer. Some people have trouble distinguishing between pastries and confections... But to me, it's a piece of cake. What kind of math gives people mental & physical trauma? Triggernometry Every time Fred gets something stuck in his throat he drinks a can of beer it's called the Heineken Maneuver Fred's girlfriend is a pyromaniac. She&
From vince...
MEDICAL EXAMS ... actual physician experiences. 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient
Calculus is very important to Fred. It's an integral part of his life. A rabbit and a priest walk into a bar The priest says, "what are you doing here?" The rabbit replies, "I think I'm an autocorrect." Fred gets angry when his cell phone battery dies His therapist suggested that he find an outlet. Fred's wife often compares him to Brad Pitt. She says "You look nothing like Brad Pitt." Swedish astronomer, mathematician and physicist Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 42. His rival, Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit claimed he was actually 107. Fred was attacked by a group of clowns. They did funny things to him. Fred assaulted a witch. He is now a registered hex offender
From doug....
An Israeli soldier who had just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? He did, so we exchanged tanks!" 2] Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
Gordisms...
The jurisprudence fetishist got off on a technicality. Fred thought his rubber plant was dead But it bounced back. The guitar teacher was arrested for fingering A minor. Fred is both a psychologist and a proctologist. He specializes in Odds & Ends. Fred coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. He likely has a Chess cold. Fred was in a liquor store and the clerk asked him, "Do you need help?" Fred replied, "Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of scotch instead" According to the BMI chart at my doctor's office, I'm too short.
Welcome to the usa....
TSA raises alarm amid increase in guns at US airports https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-64710509
Gordisms...
Fred is writing a very sad story on how to command a horse to stop moving. It’s a Tale of Whoa. Many people think it's obese people that tend to overindulge. But actually it's skinny people who live in XS... Fred is writing a book about his basement renovations. He is hoping it will be a best cellar. Fred put vodka in the lawnmower Now the grass is half cut There's a new website about relieving eye strain. It's a site for sore eyes. If you blink slowly enough it turns into a nap.
From gilles....
We Met at the Bar Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or provincial?
Gordisms...
A broken escalator is really weird... It just stops and stairs. Fred said his wife called him a sex machine. She actually called him a f_cking tool, but he knows what she meant. There's a religious sect called the Frisbeetarians? They believe that when you die, your soul gets stuck up on a roof, and nobody can get it down. The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!” But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer. Don't rush me! I'm procrastinating as fast as I can The kind of music do you get when you drop a rock into a lake? Plunk rock.
Gordisms...
Most call it snow I call it chilly flakes The athletic footwear newsletter is very prolific There are tennis shoes every month There is a new IPA beer that now includes caffeine. It gets you hopped up. Fred sells playground equipment. His pitch starts with a slide show. It was so cold that the holy water in church froze. The priest handed out pope-sicles at mass. Does eczema come from chickenzema? When you milk a dwarf cow do you get condensed milk? Fred hates Excel. It gives him the sheets. Yesterday, I saw a jester carrying a nun. Didn't say anything as it was virgin on the ridiculous. Fred's dwarf friend isn’t an alcoholic He’s just a little drunk Trigonometry and algebra are confusing for some... But it's basically just cos and f(x) I don't know who to believe about the spy balloons It's a real he said Xi said situation Fred identifies as a trolley. He’s tramsgender.
Gordisms...
My favorite breakfast? Puncakes with maple syrup Farmers like geometry They are pro tractors A hipster burnt his tongue. He drank his coffee before it was cool. “The Last of Us” is a terrible title. It should have been called… Humongous Fungus Among Us The coolest guy at the hospital? The hip replacement doctor Roses are Red, Violets are smaller... Your Valentine's steak will cost $85
Gordisms. .
I’ve never trusted sardines They’re a little fishy if you ask me. I'm really not a fan of Africa What uganda do about it? I get why many people don't understand Chinese proverbs. There's simply too much Confucian. Fred is starting a cover band called “paper” They cover rock There’s a sequel to Dracula coming out. It’s a revamp There is a new type of corn. It's extra juicy and the kernels are black and red. They call it corn on macabre.
