Gordisms...

 

A cow that cannot produce milk is an udder disappointment.

I made my elderly neighbor some bread.

It was the yeast I could do.

Fred's chicken stopped laying eggs when she got older

He said she was going through henopause.

If you have trouble falling asleep:

Lie on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off.

The difference between an archeologist and an architect?

An archeologist can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

My feelings about rainbows are on the spectrum

Billy Joel's laundry is still wet.
He didn't start the dryer.

Some people have trouble distinguishing between pastries and confections...
But to me, it's a piece of cake.

What kind of math gives people mental & physical trauma?
Triggernometry

Every time Fred gets something stuck in his throat he drinks a can of beer
it's called the Heineken Maneuver

Fred's girlfriend is a pyromaniac.
She's a great match

Fred got a job at the casino card tables.

He said it was an Ideal job.