crotchety ruv

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-64390817  

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-64470506  

 

 

 

   I thought I heard an Onion singing a Bee Gees song But it was just chive talking. Why did the baker burn his bread? Because he focaccia-bout it. Fred's marriage is on the rocks. He took his wife for granite. Fred quit his job working for Nike. He just couldn’t do it anymore. In a moment of rage Fred stabbed his sex doll He's since patched things up. After you’ve finished a case of beer… Both you and the beer are drunk A lot of money is tainted, because 'taint yours, and 'taint mine.

https://adage.com/article/special-report-super-bowl/busch-light-super-bowl-ad-stars-sarah-mclachlan/2466256  

 

 

 Are skeletons so calm because nothing gets under their skin? My geography teacher and I used to argue about the lines between tectonic plates. But whose fault was that? It's weird how the concept of "Not giving a shit".... ...is good for mental health but bad for physical health. Fred hates when people call him a Kleptomaniac He prefers... 'Man of STEAL' Fred fell for a scam claiming to boost intelligence…. He was none the wiser after it. Drunk drivers are people who put the quart before the hearse. The good thing about confirmation bias is that I'm always right. I saw a ladder with no rungs...honest, I didn't make it up.

  Catholicism is a Protestant sect They're Rhythm Methodists If you overload a small potentiometer… you smoke a little pot. Have you ever drank so much milk you felt drunk... Drunk to the point you can't see pasteurised? When a cow runs out of milk there is no noise. Just udder silence Oscar Hammerstein actually wrote a song about his favourite seafood. Salmon Chanted Evening Fred's ailing, obese parrot died recently It was a large weight off his shoulders I was once so broke I couldn't pay my electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life.

 

 

Office janitor urinated in employee water bottles leading to 13 women testing positive for STD: lawsuit https://www.foxnews.com/us/office-janitor-urinated-employee-water-bottles-leading-13-women-testing-positive-for-std-lawsuit  

 

 

  Working with explosives can be scary. But once you get used to it, it’s a blast. A sword made out of chicken? Excalibird Fred used to have a job collecting leaves. He was raking it in. I gave up on playing Rugby in high school, because my family were not that supportive. No matter how many points I scored, all that anyone could say was "nice try" Fred came up with a scratch & sniff book. It's a bestsmeller. There is a holy man in prison who plays great piano. They just call him Felonius Monk Fred bought a special tool to scribe some details on burled hardwood, but it didn't work. It was awl for knot. Fred decided to join a woodwind quartet. He likes it because there’s no strings attached

  In the swim-meet, after the blonde came in last competing in the breast-stroke,  she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

  Despite the recent controversy surrounding Alec Baldwin. I will always stand behind him. The inventor of unlined winter boots took back his claim for a patent He got cold feet Never move a barista's tools... ...they might lose their tamper. Where does the clergy go on winter vacation? West Psalm Beach Transgender people... They're not what they used to be When Fred was asked what he knew about atoms He replied "very little" Fres is opening a 24 hour Asian restaurant. Going to name it Wok Around the Clock

   My 1st girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.

What do you call a mischievous onion? A rapscallion I tried to find sausage recipes online but… I couldn’t find any links. The constipated dyslexic had trouble evacuating his elbows. Are tiny snowmen called chill-dren? Fred decided to reinvent the pool table. He started with a clean slate. Cop pulled Fred over and said "Sir your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been smoking cannabis?" Fred replied "Officer, your eyes are looking a little glazed. Have you been eating donuts?" What do you send to a grieving orchestra conductor? A symphony card. You never know if a trampoline artist is about to jump or just leaving. In both cases, they say "Alright, I have to bounce." The woman that got married but only received digital copies of her wedding photos? She was The Prints-less Bride. A depressed guy drowned himself in a septic tank. Police are labeling it a sewercide Fred was drinking at an outdoor bar. A rainshower dampened his spirits. Gravity is so common because

  Musings  If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite word scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you t

 

 

 

 

 The Lone Ranger and Tonto had ridden had all day on the trail and stopped to spend the night by a lazy river. They set up camp on the grassy river bank and hit the sack. About 2 am, Tonto wakes up – he wakes up the Lone Ranger and says: “Don’t we live in a wonderful world, look at that full moon, all the glistening stars, the ghostly clouds drifting across the sky, life is good, what do you make of it all Kemo Sabe?” The Lone Ranger quickly replies, “Yes Tonto, we see the moon, the stars, the clouds and do you know why Tonto? Do you?” And Tonto replied, “Because the Gods love us.” “No Tonto, the reason we can see the sky is because…………. some bastard has stolen our tent!”

 

 

 

 

 

  I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.   Have a wonderful 2023  

Why should you be cautious when visiting the tough part of Tel Aviv? Because it Israeli dangerous.   Many people can’t stop singing along with Tom Jones. But it’s not unusual…   For a while, Houdini used a trap door in every show It was a stage he was going through   Fred  is enamoured with female paramedics. He can’t resist their siren’s call.   Fred needs to curb his wanting to be on a pedestal. It’s such a base desire.   The cross dressing pilot's career never took off. Too much drag   A famous guitarist  was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin. He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.  

 

 

 

Fred was standing in the kitchen talking to the spice rack Told his wife that he was asking for sage advice   Two guys hanging above your window? Kurt n’ Rod.   What does the GOP stand for? Because it’s much harder to get in and out of chairs at that age.   Fred ran a scam convincing people to invest in Japanese condiments. He was arrested for running a Ponzu scheme.   If programs become sentient, they have to identify as male or female. Because they're coded in binary.   Fred's bicycle brakes were broken, it didn't stop him from riding.  

  Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.  "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock. No problem at all."  "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"  "I don't wake up until 7:00."

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When you cross an atheist with a Jehovah Witness you get someone who knocks on your door for no reason.   In Australia a computer Local Area Network is called The LAN down under.   When a guy with OCD becomes a criminal it becomes organized crime   There is a movie about an assassin that kills his victim who sells tickets to the theatre. It’s a box office hit.   A group of petitioners got sick with sign-us infections   Fred moved to a neighborhood where everyone has to trot... It's a gaited community   Sugar, caffeine, and artificial flavoring. In carbonation with each other they make good soda.   Fred just found out that his kitchen counter is made of marble. All this time He's been taking it for granite  

 

  A poignant tale of cultural coming-together………….. A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back was about 300 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity . He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse" "My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife a

 

Investigators are now saying that bigfoot is really from Northern Sasquatch-ewan   Overly-full bulletin boards are pretty tacky.   Luke Skywalker‘s mentor got really fat in his afterlife existence. Obese-wan Kenobi   Some people see nothing wrong with combining donuts and pastry But I can’t think of anything cruller   It seems like the "How To Use A Fire Extinguisher" video on Youtube shouldn't have a 30 second ad before it.   Fred was trying to  become a Canadian citizen and took the citizenship test yesterday. The first question was “Who’s sorry now?”   Fred has  two pet rats in love with each other They just got encaged.   On the way to the hospital Fred's ambulance had to go through a traffic circle, and it ended up saving his life...in a roundabout way