Gordisms....

What do you call a mischievous onion?

A rapscallion

I tried to find sausage recipes online but…

I couldn’t find any links.

The constipated dyslexic had trouble evacuating his elbows.

Are tiny snowmen called chill-dren?

Fred decided to reinvent the pool table.

He started with a clean slate.

Cop pulled Fred over and said "Sir your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been smoking cannabis?"

Fred replied "Officer, your eyes are looking a little glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

What do you send to a grieving orchestra conductor?

A symphony card.

You never know if a trampoline artist is about to jump or just leaving.

In both cases, they say "Alright, I have to bounce."

The woman that got married but only received digital copies of her wedding photos?

She was The Prints-less Bride.

A depressed guy drowned himself in a septic tank.

Police are labeling it a sewercide

Fred was drinking at an outdoor bar.

A rainshower dampened his spirits.

Gravity is so common because it's mass-produced.

You shouldn't marry witches from the desert

I've heard sand witches are often inbred

Fred has a dog that sneezes all the time.

It's an achoohuahua.

My wife: I’m sick of your terrible jokes. I’m too tired for this.

Me: You mean, like a bicycle?