crotchety ruv

 

  There was a  murder at IKEA. The police are still piecing it together, and building a case. Fred sells imaginary houses. He's an unrealtor. A financially challenged trigonometry teacher managed to get a loan. He had someone cosine. Fred tried to tell a cashier a joke. But it didn't seem to register.

  It was 35c with a humidex of 47 the other day.  Hot sun. No breeze. A sweat bath! I'm getting out of my car, coming home from an errand and a neighbour walks by. "Crazy hot," she says.  I look at her.  She's wearing a black T-shirt and black shorts. I felt like saying, "no wonder you idiot!  Who wears an all black outfit in this heat?  Don't you know black attracts the heat?  Ya should be wearing light colours you moron!" But it's a neighbour.  Gotta be nice.  So I answer, "oh yeah.  Very hot and sticky". Then I head towards the front door of the house.  Don't need to have any more discussions with this person.  "Bye"

 

  A circus fired their accountant. He was juggling the books.  My neighbor spied on us for months with a telescope, so I went to his house and stole his tripod. It was time to take a stand. Fred's garden gnome didn’t win Yard Decoration Of The Year.  It wasn’t even gnomenated. There's a gang systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ... The police believe they're still at large.

 

 

  Fred was fishing last week and 200 yards of fishing line disconnected from his fishing rod. It was truly an unreel experience. Fred said, "Can I ask a stupid question?" And I replied, "Better than anyone I know." Fred bought a box of animal crackers yesterday but had to take them back. The seal was broken. Botanists crossed four leaf clovers with poison ivy. Touch it for a rash of good luck.

 

  Holygarch: A minister who gets rich off his congregation.   I once took a comedy and philosophy course. I laughed way more than I thought. It was just an ordinary day; nothing suggested a disaster. And then Fred's wife asked: "Do I look fat in this dress?" If a person is diagnosed with Kleptomania.... Does the doctor give them something to take?