Posts
from doug.... A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up,...
Fred met his wife at a fancy dress party and remembers that the first time he laid eyes on her, she was dressed as a slinky. There she was, coming down the stairs... Fred tried to make French bread last night. He won’t be doing that again, it was a total pain. It's been said that dogs can bark continuously for 8 hours However, that's just a ruff estimate. Fred was excited when a woman offered to show him her tits. Was slightly disappointed when she showed him her small birds.
Whenever I meet new people, I like to tell them about my adventures in the woods. You never get a second chance to make a forest impression . My neigbour's 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill. Looks like she's preparing some kind of barbie queue. Do you suck at playing woodwind instruments? That's probably why. The circus act for the human canonball retired weeks ago. They've tried several replacements but just haven't found anyone of his caliber.
Fred has a horrible addiction to subwoofers. He keeps hitting new lows. Airline pilots are in high demand... Shouldn't have a problem landing a job. Your career will takeoff. One thing you can say about cannibals.... When they get takeout, they usually order ahead. What do you call a group of powerlifting school administrators? A strong set of pricipals.
There is an old Joe Pesci movie about trigonometry. It's called My Cosine Vinny. Fred is trying to install a new bathroom floor, but keeps messing up. At least he's learning through tile and error. Argentina is surprisingly cold this fall. In fact, it's bordering on Chile. If I’m at a diner, and the waitress brings burnt bread. I send it back… I’m black toast intolerant.
If a redhead starts going gray, I think it’s ok to get it dyed I support ginger-affirming care. People ask why Fred always makes macaroni and cheese.. He just tells them "that I like to work on my Kraft". Fred's chiropractor has tragically passed away. He will be honored posturemously. The police found who stole my laundry very quickly. Case clothed!
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly. "No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed." from doug...
Fred said that his ex wife has the only copy of their wedding video. He can't see himself getting married again. Fred said that if he wants his massage parlour for ducks to be a success... He'll have to knuckle down. I was looking through my spam folder today, and found an email titled "Tell me your biggest fantasies, I'm all ears." And I thought, that's certainly not it. If your mind is made up... ...does that mean your brain is imaginary?
I knew a guy who knew what every single symbol on every single world map meant by heart and could tell you immediately on request... Guy was a legend. Fred has two cars. One that is voice activated… And one that goes without saying. A gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant? Non Buy-Dairy. Some people look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy. They think that he's a good roll model.
What happens to red wine when it ages? It becomes overpriced. Fred's chiropractor published his own music. It's a Hip Pop album. Fred's colleague who sits next to him puts on way too much cologne. And it's affecting Fred's work perfumance. Did you know that Himalayan Pink Salt is 10 Million years old? Well I’m pleased they found it in time, because the container says it expires next year.
from vince...
TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ______________________________ ______ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ______________________________ ____________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Fred's wife has a bag she puts over her legs when she's cold. It's her brrr lap sack. Enough with the jokes about our aging bodies. They’re getting old. Fred has fallen in love with his parrot. He's polly-amorous. Fred turned the bunsen burner off, removed his goggles and said "What did you say?" to his wife Wife: "I SAID, this is not what I meant by experimenting in the bedroom!"
Fred showed his wife his new tattoo, it's a spreadsheet tattooed across the chest. She said "oh honey, you've excelled yourself this time!" If you’re not supposed to eat at night… Then why is there a light bulb in the fridge? Fred got a new job at the hammer factory. HE really nailed the interview. What do you use to draw a bath? Watercolors.
Usain Bolt's children are very fast. It seems like it runs in the family . Fred doesn't mean to brag, but they put him in charge of the clamps after just one day working at the hardware store. He's already the vise president. I dropped my keyboard. I lost control and there is no escape. People in wheelchairs are often nervous. They have crippling anxiety.
People in India like eating bread with their meals. Everything else just sounds like naan-sense. If worms played baseball… …every stadium would be wriggly field. Starbucks is using bears from Australia to monitor their hot drink production. It’s called Koala Tea Control. That notorious pudding thief has finally been caught. He’s in police custardy.
Fred's girlfriend just broke up with him and left him in a huge amount of debt... Forever a loan. What do extremely skeptical people use to blow their nose? Truss Tissues. Fred used to love all pizza places... but then he had a bad pie and started having crust issues. Fred tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. He thinks he nailed it, but nobody saw it.