Posts
There will always be a high tide and a low tide. And that is a shore thing. After Fred spilled his cup of tea on the face of a friend who was carrying a plate of burgers he apologized and said "I guess brewed tea is in the eye of the beef holder." The opposite of nonchalant? Ouichalant. To help out a friend, I decided to rent one of his properties. It's the lease I can do.
A girl hockey player who can't score goals? Missy. Fred got caught stealing herbs from a store. He's now doing thyme in jail. Fred hired a different singer for his recent Labor Day party. It changed the whole tenor of the event. There's a news story about some poultry farmers who want a gover nment bailout. They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.
Fred wrote a story about a town enduring a tornado. There was a real twist at the end. I’ve been writing some similes but I need help on one. Does anybody know a business like show business? A termite's favourite breakfast? Oakmeal. Fred's ex is like a matador. She's got red flags, but he can't help going after her.
How do you measure the quality of a pun? With a sighsmograph. Fred heard that the more colorful your salad, the better it is for you. So he replaced the croutons with M&M's. They really dislike puns about water in France. They consider them de l'eau-est form of humour. Fred quit his job in HR. It was for personnel reasons
Mountain climbing: All fun and games until you reach the top. Then, it's all downhill from there . I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks. My therapist says I have a hard time verbalizing my emotions Can't say I'm surprised. There's a new drug kids are doing that causes chronic indifference. They call it Crystal Meh.
The game consoles that one might find at church: Exodus box and Praystation. Fred trained his dog to bring a glass of red wine on command. It's a Bordeaux Collie. I have a friend who does everything sincerely and with conviction. His name is Ernest Lee. If anyone tells you Buddhists don’t melt sugar, don’t believe their Karma lies.
Why do some farms smell so strongly? It comes from their dairy air. Fred can’t figure out when he got that mosquito bite on his scalp. It’s a real head-scratcher. Everyone remembers Alan Turing, who cracked the Enigma Code But nobody remembers his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues. Fred's wife wanted Earl Grey with lemon but he brought her English Breakfast with milk. She got mad because he couldn't follow directions to a tea.
Fred's spouse keeps a close watch on their data plan usage, to avoid overage charges. He calls it "wife-eye". Fred thought that leaving a job as an ornithologist to become a horse jockey would be the solution to all his problems. But it ended up leaving him with more equestrians than answers. I, for one, like Roman numerals. I can’t imagine having aphantasia.
Those tall Californian trees are so cool. They just have something incredibly special going on that's hard to describe if you haven't seen them. A certain je ne sequoia, if you will. Fred has a hair growing on his forehead. Says he's hopeful for a proceeding hairline. What do you call someone who loves to declutter? A would-chuck. Fred's band played a cover of “Old Time Rock & Roll”… It was close but no Seger.
It’s been years and nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire… But Quasimodo has a hunch. Fred rushed his pet duck to the vet. He thought it might have a serious mallardy. Fred got shocked the other day, but instead of a “zap!” sound, it went “Hooray!” It was ecstatic electricity. Never understood why a set of false teeth is called "dentures". They missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths".
The early bird gets the worm... But unless you know whether you’re the bird or the worm, it’s probably best to sleep in. The best place to keep a pet kangaroo? Outback. My magician friend flew in from Helsinki yesterday. He just appeared out of Finnair. Fred just bought a 26-piece patio set. Two plastic chairs and a case of beer.