xmas gordies...

 Fred shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water.

Didn’t go down well.

 

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus
This accusation has made me dumbfounded, awestricken, flabbergasted, stupefied and quite frankly, bewildered

 

When the Magi offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense. Mary was overcome with gratitude and began thanking them profusely.
"But wait," they said, "there's myrrh!"

 

If a clown comes to your house and starts eating everything from your fridge, don't get offended.
It's all ingest.

 

Today I crossed the road, walked into a bar and changed a lightbulb.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

 

Eyelashes are designed to keep things out of your eyes, yet 95% of the time something gets in your eye, it's an eyelash.

 

In an effort to ease racial tension scientists have agreed to rename the Great White Shark the Moderately Okay Caucasian Fish

 

I lost my job as a fitness instructor. It just didn't work out.

 

fulldeckisms:

 Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging
 Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span
 Fired her retro-rockets a little late
 Flying on one engine
 Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun
 Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out
 Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack
 Forgot to pay his brain bill
 Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them
 Four cents short of a nickel
 Full throttle, dry tank
 Gasoline engine, diesel fuel
 Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
 Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench
 Gears don't always mesh
 Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences
 Gets her mail at an unknown postal code
 Gets his orders from another planet
 Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle