crotchety ruv

  Why can’t you hide from an Italian dessert? You cannoli run.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   Dogs can't operate a computerized axial tomography machine, but cats can   Amnesia is a forgettable experience   Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRrvPpZtqIU  

 

  I used to be a well driller It was a boring job I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing, but I just can’t put my finger on it.   My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.” I said, “Wait. I can change!”   Did you hear about the blind Mohel? He got the sack   I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.   What's the difference between a club and a spade? I don't know, what do I look like? A card-iologist?   What do you call an Egyptian physical therapist? A Cairopractor   The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear So I turn in inside out every day

https://in.style.yahoo.com/amphtml/bbc-interview-yvette-amos-xrated-sex-toy-111019916.html   https://www.torontosun.com/news/weird/stick-up-woman-distracts-would-be-thief-with-oral-sex-as-cops-arrive/wcm/aaaf4a23-b28d-4061-ac8d-69d011957bd4/amp/

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/lifestyle/smart-living/whats-coming-and-going-from-netflix-canada-in-february-2021/ar-BB1dbzoO?li=AAggFp5  

from ruth.......   Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's legal and schools closed ... damn kids are livin’ the dream. If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home. from gord... This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right I keep getting mixed results   I’d like to tell you a secondhand chiropractor joke I heard it about a week back   How do dyslexic cows organise their time? With a dairy

  A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.   'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'

 

who needs a pickup truck  

  A good rare steak is hard to find.   Bad tree climbers tend to be so stuck up.   Sadly, the mime couldn't say when he lost his voice.

 

 

 

    This 55 year old Alabama Trumper died of 'a medical emergency' while attacking the Capitol on Wednesday. What happened? He tasered himself in the balls. The taser he stuffed into his pants accidentally discharged into his groin while he was trying to steal a portrait of Tipper Gore, causing him to suffer a fatal heart attack. Heck of an obituary. This is him 2 weeks ago acting tough on social media. ....my vote for this year's Darwin Award!  

 

 

 

 

 

  Donald Trump met with the Queen of England. He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?” “Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Donald Trump frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?” The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy: you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?” Boris Johnson walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?” The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Boris; your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for a moment, Boris answered, “That would be me.” “Yes! very good,” said the Queen. Donald Trump went back home and asked Rudy Giuliani the same question; “Rudi, answer this for me. “Your mo

 

 

 

 

 

amazing israeli magician  

  Just Got bronze in the National Tanning Champion My uncle Jerry invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.   I've written a book on how to cut onions.  Read it and weep...         Apparently, anger management courses are all the rage...   Sadly my Origami business folded this morning.   "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a Labrador."     Sony, Panasonic, JVC, they are all just stereotypes   Just heard that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands! I bought audiobook version of Encyclopedia Britannica It speaks volumes to me   A majority of those arrested after the insurrection have been linked to a document describing rape, murder, and apocalypse. It's called the Bible.   Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door? It's called Suture Self. Even after 50 years people still don't know who Neil Armstrong is or w

 

 

 

 

 

 Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water." The three ex-Presidents looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was b

 

 

 

 

 

  I keep randomly shouting out "Broccoli" and "Cauliflower". I think I might have Florets. Prison may just be one word But to others, it’s a whole sentence There are two types of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. How does the morning mist treat the cold lawn? With all dew respect Fred got fired from his last job even though he always gave 100%. Apparently, that's not how you grade exams. My friend and I laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more. Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing. Doctor: any other symptoms? Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before Doctor: French mustard? Me: yes, why? Doctor: It's dijon view Can you make a waterbed more bouncy by filling it with springwater? I had a friend who was a contortionist. But he fell on hard times and couldn't make ends meet.   A semi truck full of Skippy peanut butter rolled ove

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  What advice would you give to a bad ventriloquist? Shut your mouth.   2020 was a good year, I did virtually everything! Sorry, I meant, I did everything virtually.   The overworked real estate agent was losing his grip on realty.   I feel like we don't hear as much about martyrs as we used to Must be a dying breed.

 

 

 

 

  A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas   and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $60 and the girls get $40," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  What is pasta's favorite bicycle race? The Tour de Lini Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy... Plumber's crack is nasty Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. For a cow, today is just an udder day. If we didn't have blinds, it would be curtains for all of us. this one is so true.....  My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"   I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth" so is this one.... why is it called a building when it's already built? What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common? They both hope to make it home

bill maher  

  In the 1950s a guy called Penis van Lesbian went into an agent’s office in LA and told the agent that he wanted to become a TV star. The agent looked over the man’s resume and said that he liked what he saw. However, the agent told the would-be star that he had to change his name if he wanted to get anywhere. The guy refused and so the agent told him that couldn't represent him. About 5 years later the agent opens a letter to find cheque for $50000 along with a letter. The letter writer says that after leaving the agent’s office he thought about what the agent said about changing his name. He realized that the agent was right, changed his name and then got lots of work    The cheque was to thank the agent for the suggestion. The letter was signed Dick van Dyke.

  A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary. The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''