lmao...joke of the year?...
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She came in wearing a dress the color of pastrami, a blouse the color of rye bread and a scarf the color of sauerkraut. Some would say she was...Reubenesque. Fred doesn't have a carbon footprint. He just drives everywhere. There are fewer syllables in the phrase world wide web than in its abbreviation WWW. The term for when family generations have fewer and fewer children? The receding heirline.
Fred is trying to write a song about having his leg amputated. The last verse has him stumped. Sure geology rocks… … but cartography is where it’s at. There aren’t very many great singers in the world, but they sure have a lot of influence. They’re a vocal minority. I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.
When Fred was visiting the Sahara, he thought that he saw 3 people having intercourse in the distance. It was only a mirage a trois. Fred thought about opening a one-size-fits-all casket company but he doesn't like to put people in boxes. Bob is a good name to have if you're dyslexic, and Lana is a very bad one. I told my friend he'd make a great father; I have a sixth sense. I see dad people.
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember." from doug...
Fred used to date a girl who made her own perfume. It didn’t work out, she was too self-scented. People kept telling Fred that he is a good softball pitcher. It's such an underhanded compliment. Fred went to see a UB40 tribute act called WD40. Says they were a bit stiff as the gig started but they gradually loosened up as the show went on. If you are attracted to both men and women but they're not attracted to you, does that make you bi-yourself?
A man in boxer shorts has been arrested… After leading police on a brief chase . Why do nuns all dress the same? It's just a habit. Fred ordered a custom perfume for his wife, but it took a long time to make it. When he asked them why it took so long, they said “aroma wasn’t built in a day”. Last night a man was hit over the head with a violin, then a clarinet and finally a French horn. Police say it was an orchestrated attack.
When a man describes something it is sometimes called "mansplaining". So if a woman does something similar, is it called a "broad overview"? Fred is always talking angrily about big black birds. He is raven mad. Fred's barn had a rodent problem so he got a cat named it Nuclear Bomb. He's a weapon of mouse destruction.
My neighbor showed up at my door and asked for a quick word.. I said, "Whoosh" Fred designed a new custom coat rack. He's proud of the work, but it isn’t something he can hang his hat on. Ever wonder how libraries store so many books? It's shelf explanatory really. If you eat too many Navy beans, you could end up with a dishonorable discharge .
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Thanks for sending me those free pictures of one of Jupiter's moons. Io you one. Fred has several jokes in sign language Nobody has ever heard them. When Fred was a baby his parents used to bathe himin cheap Australian lager… …it wasn’t until he was 18 that he realised he’d been Fostered. Whenever I cook with wheat, barley, or rice, my wife gets terrible headaches Turns out she suffers from my grains.
I ate too much French bread. My stomach is full of pain. Fred's wife told him she was leaving him because she couldn't live with his constant star wars puns. He told me "Divorce is strong with this one." The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Fred's boss said that if anyone wants to talk about the strong aroma in the office... Her Dior's always open.
How do you evaluate a famous person? You celeb-rate. Fred met his wife when they worked as technical writers for a software company. They named their son Manual. Today Fred started running. People told him it's a great way to meet others. He was excited as he met two paramedics, three nurses and one cardiologist. The difference between a cop who says thank you and Socrates? One is a grateful officer, the other is a great philosopher.
The actor who played the Joker on the Dark Knight Rises used to do all his accounting by hand in a notebook. It was Heath's ledger. Archery can be a fun sport. But for me it just has too many drawbacks. Fred started working out to get rid of his dad bod but had to stop. His body couldn't handle the ab use. Doctor: Do you practice any dangerous sports? Fred: Well sometimes I disagree with my wife.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle a...