How the Louvre was robbed.... hilarious
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"Pre" means before and "Post" means after. Using both at the same time would be Preposterous. Is bird poop considered a solid or a flewid? Fred's clearest childhood memory is going to the eye doctor to get his first pair of glasses. Everything before that was a blur. If inspiration is breathing in, and expiration is breathing out, what is aspiration? Flatulence.
Someone left a piece of plasticine on Fred's desk at work. He doesn't know what to make of it. Fred's favorite smoke shop turned into an apparel store. Now it's clothes but no cigar. Cars these days have too many gadgets.. I tried to back-up, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car. Bruce Lee had a brother who was never late. His name was Earl.
Fred took his kids to a halloween corn maze. They found it pretty ear-ie. American health insurance is kinda like one of those hospital gowns. You think you're covered... What do you call a man with an expensive set of binoculars? Seymour. When I can't make coffee in the morning, you know there's trouble brewing.
If you plant cotton seeds... You will reap what you sew. Had to change a password today - "handbag" didn't work but "portmanteau" did. Turns out it was case sensitive. Bavarian tourism companies have been involved in several scams lately. If you plan to purchase from them, Bayern beware. Fred got fired from a dairy farm. They said he was a danger to himself and udders.
Scientists have invented a robotic wash basin that shows up at your house, knocks on your door and installs itself. Let that sink in. The great thing about stationery stores.... Is that they’re always in the same place. When your mother’s sister moves in and never leaves, it's perman-aunt. Have you ever met Ian from Bratislava? He's Slovak Ian
People who do origami are the worst poker players. They always fold. A bodybuilder met a hairdresser at a party. They hit it off instantly, and spent all night talking about curling irons. Fred was surprised when his proctologist ordered a follow-up test... Turns out it was a poop quiz. When making or buying Indian bread… Is it necessary to sign a naan-disclosure agreement?
The worst part of ordering Peking duck? Getting the bill. Fred invented some anti gloating lotion. He can’t wait to rub it in. A belligerent soprano got fired from the opera company she was in. She was nothing but treble. It's unusual, but Fred prefers soft cheeses served at a cold temperature. He likes to enjoy the cool bries.
There's a movie coming out about mobile homes. I just saw the trailer . Twerking is really a hip movement. Fred is great at multitasking. He can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. Fred told his therapist "I feel like I'm a teepee, I'm a yurt". Therapist said "you've got to relax, you're two tents".
I always associate the 80's with boomboxes. But that's just a stereo-type . Fred loves to talk about religious personas, and often keeps bringing up the subject. He always likes to get his two saints in. Fred struggled to lift a heavy box of condiments, but finally mustard up the strength. The adjective for something metal is metallic but not so for iron -- which is ironic.
If you have the chance to buy a new rug for a good price, don’t miss out. Carpet diem. Demons and ghouls are often seen together this time of year. Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend. Fred is saving up money to plant a row of bushes along the side of his yard. He calls it his hedge fund. Someone asked Fred why he was throwing out his old Nirvana and Pearl Jam records. He explained that he didn’t like to hold onto a grunge.
Fred saw someone stealing socks from his clothesline.. He was going to confront the thief, but got cold feet. Fred's ex-wife is deaf and was shocked when she left him for a deaf friend of hers. He should have seen the signs. Apparently, wizards tend to hire many employees. They have a whole staff. My dentist cemented in place the permanent tooth-shaped cap over my tooth that had been beyond repair. He called it his crowning achievement.
Schrödinger was often teased for being unimaginative. He always thought inside the box. What do you say to a boomer who’s complaining about gen alpha slang? Whoop de do. There's an angler who uses skunks for bait. And if you believe that story, you bought it hook, line, and stinker. When Fred found out he was married to a witch, he filed for divorce. Now she's his hex wife.
The Seattle Mariners wisely reward home run hitters with a pitchfork. It’s a trident true strategy. A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better. If New York is the city that never sleeps, what is the city that always sleeps? Ta-coma. If someone tells you to "hold your horses" it's because they want you to be stable.
Fred was feeling pretty down and his wife said, “I wanted to cheer you up, so I got you an audiobook on weights and measures.” He looked at her and said, “Thanks… that speaks volumes.“ Fred's wife was about to run her first half-marathon and said "The opening ceremony seems kind of low-key." He said "You're Loki now, but you'll be Thor later." You can't be mad at lazy people. They probably didn't do anything. Fred's favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch... He calls it "Lunch."
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great ones today...
I like puns about the eyes. The cornea the better. If actions speak louder than words… Why can’t you hear sign language? I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing 70. Fred once lived a stone's throw away from a family... who all died of mysterious head injuries.
