hilarious...
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/19PspvqgJK/
Posts
Best protest sign in Scotland:
"I Pray that 'Big Beautiful Bill' will be the name of Trump's cellmate in prison."
I used to think that rich people owned Bose and poor people owned Sony. But then I just realized those are stereotypes . Fred is making a musical about a naughty perineum. It’s called Taint Misbehavin’. It's hard to light a match in a cheese shop because of the strong bries. If the Earth is Flat, then what's on the other side?
Fred is converting to Islam because of the desserts. He can’t resist pie Allah mode. Fred had a scary dream about a horse called Sir Prancelot. It was a knightmare. Doctors often don't take women's health concerns seriously. They think it's just an ovary-action Fred told me it would be really fun to drink someone else’s hot beverage. I said no thanks; that’s not my cup of tea.
If a psychiatrist puts you in a straight jacket, you’re shrink-wrapped. Fred went back to work at the vineyard he grew up on, making wine the old fashioned way. It’s his old stomping grounds. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ....unless I want to buy something. Odds are slim that I’ll visit a casino to gamble. But I won’t roulette out entirely.
A worker at the local morgue died today... He'll be back at work tomorrow. Fred created a laughing gas that also works as a laxative... For shits 'n giggles. The first floor of Fred's house is neat and tidy. Upstairs is another story. Skunks don't have to be taught how to use their natural defenses. It's in-stink-tive.
orange joke of the year?....
this is the last bbq chicken that no one wanted last night at the grocery store
Make sure when you're on a long plane ride you get up and walk around some, and DON'T order Italian food......you could end up with a deep vein stromboli. The favorite car of wealthy contortionists? Mercedes Bendz, but Bentley is also a popular choice. Fred says that his wallet is like an onion. Every time he opens it, he cries. Fred once worked as a mannequin in a department store. He held that position for a long time.
Many swamps in Louisiana can actually glow in the dark. They are bayou luminescent. Fred told a joke about a chocolate bar, but it didn't get many laughs. Just a few Snickers. A whiskey drinker's favorite Chevrolet? A Subourbon. Fred claims to have invented a device that translates exams into Braille for blind students. It raises a lot of questions.
Fred is allergic to lubricant… …it’s a serious affriction. Fred wrote a history of Death Star construction. It's called A Series of Unfortunate Vents. Fred is not aging like fine wine, He's aging like milk... Growing more sour & chunky by the day. Fred's wife hates it when he messes about with her red wine... ... So he added fruit and lemonade and now she's sangria than ever,
Why did the social media manager break up with her boyfriend? Lack of engagement. What type of pants do ghost hunters wear? Just a paranormal pants. Fred noticed that there was a bad spot on the watermelon he bought. It was a melonoma. Fred's sister is going to transition to a man when she gets back from her vacation. She's abroad, at the moment.
Fred told me that he was often surprised by how little people change. I always assumed the process was the same. They just use tiny clothes. Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It had a bad start, but by the end I really liked it. Marrying your second cousin is perfectly acceptable, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.
My friend and his wife offered to do any woodworking that needs done in my home.I said that I didn't realise you were carpenters. He replied, We've only just Begun. What happens to the bodies of dead kings? They are throne away. Fred is an anti-capitalist pastry chef. He puts people before profiteroles. Fred used to be married to a pastry chef. Then she desserted him.
Where do you take seeds that you no longer want to germinate? Plant Parenthood. To the person who got fired from their job at the pharmacy.... I guess it turns out you ointment to work there. Fred bought a new pair of glasses. It was his eye deal purchase. A cow’s ribs are numbered 1-26, but my favorites are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 and 23. I always prefer prime rib.
Fred can name every single hard shelled reptile without hesitation He has turtle recall. A local deli has been advertising how good their bagels and cream cheese are. It's a real schmeer campaign. Fred couldn’t afford an ancestry DNA kit So he started a rumor that he won the lottery. Found all his relatives in record time. If someone hands you a colonoscopy probe, you probably won't like the answer if you ask them what you're supposed to do with it.
Fred has 2 pet dogs named Calvin and Klein. They're boxers. Every fishing story is exaggerated... ...but is based on reel events. Never trust any electronic devices, except for calculators. You can always count on calculators. Never doubt the bravery of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
real good ones today..
Fred is not a dad, but still tells dad jokes. Does that make him a faux pa? Or just a groan man? I was comparing my bucket list with that of a friend's. Turns out mine pails by comparison. Don’t pour cereal in the sink. Because it Kellogg’s up the drain. I hate when people leave their sprinklers on too long. It’s really irrigating.
