crotchety ruv

 

 

 

Fred was known as one of the brightest detectives on the force, Solved cases by the process of illumination. An asian pirate wearing a g-string? Thong Jong Silver. While wading off the beach, Fred's lower leg struck something hard. It was a pirate's treasure chest - sometimes booty is just shin deep. Fred had to sell his collection of shore birds, and now says he has no egrets. Donkeys are said to be stubborn, but they are really just very ass-sertive.

 

 

  I was disappointed when Fred sent me a picture of his latest great tasting soup base. It was just a stock photo. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Fred has been doing much better with house chores these days. But he just can’t get on board with ironing. Fred bought a protective case for his Samsung phone. It’s a defender of the galaxy. How do fighter pilots like their eggs? Scrambled.

 A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

 

 

  Fred wants to be famous but without any of the recognition. To bask in the sub-lime light. Fred admired Hispanic dictators but Fidel Castro wasn't his favourite. He was more of a Francophile. Fred is a trustfund baby. His parents trusted him to fund himself. Someone broke into my home and took a dozen eggs, left a saucepan filled with warm water... Police believe it was poachers. Fred still hasn't found a cure for insomnia but he's going to lose any  sleep over it.

 A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic: "Next semester, in her biology class."

 

 

Fred broke his pinky finger. But on the other hand he's fine. Key to get hired on a farm milking cows? Working well with udders. The carpenters association had their annual meeting today. They elected a new chair-man of the board. Fred has taken up pottery in retirement... Just kiln time . Ironing your pants makes them smaller. Because it decreases them.

 

 

If Emile Zola tried out a hot tub, would it be a J’accuse-y? I watched a film about making a man made lake.  Dam good movie. Tall people always sleep longer. Liposuction brings out the worst in people. An ice cream truck broke down. It was on a rocky road.

 

 

  There exists a quantity of artificial butter flavor beyond which people begin to believe it's not butter. This is known as the margarine of error. Archeologists are holding a party to celebrate unearthing the largest dinosaur tibia ever... It's going to be quite the shindig. Christiano Ronaldo's house is always neat and tidy. Because he is not messi. Fred keeps trying to convince me that hemp protein is just as good as milk based protein powders. But there's no whey. Fred only goes to the rollerskating rink on Tuesdays from 2 to 4 because it’s half off. He's a real cheap skate.

 

 

My favorite author died. He's now my favorite ghost writer. Fred didn't do well at trivia night in the category about amphibians. They axolotl questions he didn't know the answer to. I’m not going to lye. I hate unclogging drains. Fred can't get to sleep at night because when he tries to count sheep he stops breathing. He has sheep apnea. Fred recently realized that he has a fetish for epiphanies. He just came to this realization.

 

 

 

  If you think eggs are expensive... Wait til you fertilize one. Fred's magazine wasn’t getting delivered to the right house. Customer service said they would address the issue . Fred announced loudly that he didn't like mixed races. His wife reminded him that the correct term is "triathlons". A deficit is what you have when you don't have as much as you had when you had nothing. Everyone I meet calls me a contrarian, but I beg to differ.

 

 

  Elton John doesn't like spinach, he's more of a rocket man. A Japanese warrior who commits fraud? Scamurai. Fred often makes confident predictions that turn out to be wrong. His friends started calling him nostradumbass. Fred couldn't make a caesar salad because when he opened the fridge to get the lettuce... There was none romaining. A horror movie fan's favourite dessert? Terror-misu.  

 

 

 

  My wife told me to put the pasta back in the colander. It was a restraining order. Doing a good job is like peeing in a pool. You get a bit of a warm feeling, usually no one notices. People who claim they are “Gluten Intolerant” are really ”going against the grain.” An albino dinosaur hunter? Pale-eontologist. People trust the odds when it’s about asteroid impacts but suddenly believe in miracles when buying lottery tickets.

 

 

If Apple owned a dance venue... do you think they'd call it the Mac Arena? Sending puns is how eye roll. The difference between an ambulance and a hearse? Dead weight. Fred couldn't afford to pay for any more vegetables on his salad. He was over the celery cap. Every book is a mystery novel, if you never finish it.

 Joe Biden, King Charles, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next King Charles calls Cammy in England and talks for 30 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so he writes him a cheque. Finally Biden gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Biden got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

                                      Government jobs - canada  A young man from Victoria, BC was hired as the lifeguard for the pool at the Prime Minister's residence at  24 Sussex Drive . The Trudeau family was making use of the pool when one of their children encountered some difficulty and cried for help. The lifeguard ignored the cries, so the Prime Minister himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy. Afterward, Trudeau grilled the lifeguard. "You ass! Didn't you see that my son was in trouble?" "Yes, sir, but I can't swim." "How the hell did you land the job of lifeguard then?" ''I'm Bilingual."    

Fred took his wife to a Japanese restaurant for Valentine's dinner. She found it very ramentic. Former US President Joe Biden has a daughter who's a retired police officer.... She is Laura Biden, citizen. Fred thinks his wife is having an affair... She's been attending classes for two years and still can't speak a word of Zumba. A person who can’t stop bragging about how many different languages they can speak? Polygloat. Vloggers who are satisfied with the videos they make? Content creators.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An obnoxious financial advisor? Fidouchiary. Two geometry teachers were dating. They made acute couple. There is a cranberry juice that can attract sharks. It’s called Ocean’s Prey. Fred took the tree surgeon entrance exam. The first question stumped him. When a doctor needs healing, she must first be patient.

 

 

 

 

  Share your perfume with your friends, it's just common scents. What did the Eagles do after winning the Superbowl? They played the second half. Ancient runes are hard to read. They're in norse code. A criminal's best asset is his lie-ability. Building electric cars is a tankless job.

 

 

 

   Fred read multiple books about proper birdwatching techniques, but still didn’t understand. They went right over his head. Fred started a new youtube channel where he tests and reviews different drain cleaners. Please lye can subscribe. Fred missed his flight from Jefferson City. Now He's in a state of Missouri. The story about the old guy who lost all of his watches: A timeless classic. Elephants can fight off multiple predators at once. They're really good at multi-tusking.

 

 

 

  A girl said she met Fred at the vegetarian club. He is sure that he never met herbivore. Now I know why my golf ball always lands in the rough… I play on a golf coarse. Fred asked the universe to send him the right woman… …In fact, she’s so right, that He's always wrong. I built a smartphone out of Lego. But it won't start. I think it got bricked. Fred booked a table for he and his wife for Valentines Day, but he can see it ending in tears... She is absolutely hopeless at snooker.