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A barber suggested cutting Fred's hair but leaving it long in the back. Fred told him he’d have to “mull-it over.” Fred tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor, but the security guard suspected he was not the real McCoy. a search engine that sings Christmas songs? Michael Googlé. A hard-of-hearing astronomer? Carl Say-again. The London Eye is made almost entirely of iron It's a ferrous wheel. The Clorox corporation has experienced a cyber attack. There was a security bleach. Flossipher: a deep thinker with good oral hygiene . Fred walked into a lamp post yesterday. Thankfully, He only sustained light injuries. Accept what you cannot change, especially if it's in large denominations. Christmas is that time of year when Fred puts on his shiniest tin foil Christmas jacket, lights up the tree and reflects.
Not all math puns are bad. Just sum. Subatomic particles are weird. They’re just a little quarky. Judge's never retire... They just stop trying. Fred is disappointed with his performance at the miniature ship building contest. He really bottled it. What is an anal retentive person? An asshole who remembers everything. He's making a list...He's checking it twice. He left it at home. He's texting his wife. Last year, Fred bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. This year he didn’t get her anything. She asked him why… He said you still haven’t used the gift I gave you last year. Fred developed an app that flushes toilets. It does require a login. A rude unfriendly woodsman? Lumberjerk. Two nuclear technicians got married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
There is a new music group called Cellophane. ...they mostly wrap. I used to be an autocorrect programmer. They fried me for no raisin. A hillbilly converted to Buddhism. He now believes in reintarnation. Never trust an acupuncturist. They are back stabbers. If your income doesn’t keep up with your outgo then your upkeep will be your downfall. I'm soooooo smart at picking out last minute gifts. I'm a present day genius. Fred's mom and dad were quite the opposites: His mom was always right and his dad left. I asked my friend who works construction when his next project is going to be done… He said he’s working on it. Fred's ex used to perform at a strip club, but on stage she had anxiety, anger, depression, guilt, jealousy, loneliness, pessimism, self-consciousness, and worry. She was a neurotic dancer. What happens if you take a probiotic and an antibiotic at the same time?
What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause! How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house! What do you call a snowman in the Summer? A puddle! Why is Santa so good at karate? Because he has a black belt! What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? A pineapple! What did Mrs Claus say to Santa when she looked up at the sky? Looks like rain dear!
Fred got a gift basket from his psychiatrist for Christmas... It arrived shrink wrapped. Fred ran out of refills for his fountain pen. It was a minor inkconvenience. A monkey's favorite kind of candy? Rhesus Pieces. Fred is a celiac who insists on eating whole wheat bread. He is a gluten for punishment, A former Italian Prime Minister doing a striptease? Silvio Burlesque-oni. Fred played golf Christmas day and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3. I used to hate traffic roundabouts. But after using them for a while, I've come around. Fred touched some poison ivy and changed his pronouns thereafter. He now goes by "it/she". Fred poured her a drink and said "Say when..." She replied, "after this drink". Fred cut his finger and needed some sutures. I was going to make a joke about nerve damage but it feels a little insensitive now.
I suffer from paranoia. I’m told I’m not alone. If pre means before and post means after, then using both at the same time would be preposterous. Local janitors have gone out on strike. They are demanding sweeping reforms. I don't believe in partaking in traditional Christmas drinks. I guess you can call me eggnogstic. When a woman has an outburst during her period, is she ovary acting? A lot of Mexicans are anxious and frustrated about trying to cross the U.S. border. They are really “climbing the walls.” I dreamt that all my limbs were missing and I didn't know why. I was completely stumped. Fred wrote a book about women who consume malt beverages and then have unprotected sex. He called it “From beer to maternity”. Researchers are saying amphibian populations are plummeting across North America. It's a toadal loss. Trump finished his press conference, but more lies ahead.
The Mongols were very successful with their conquest of much of Europe. They were always one steppe ahead. A detective who made his career by solving cases accidentally? Sheer luck Holmes. A deaf person was the highest bidder at an auction. He said I've won.... but at what cost? Fred just finished a popular book about basements. It was a best cellar. Somebody told me Zimbabwe was in Asia. It was African lie. People think that Thomas Edison was really busy, but he actually had a light schedule. The difference between a dad joke and a pun? Well, in a pun, the joke isn't always so obvious, but in a dad joke the pun is generally apparent. Santa without GPS? Lost claus. The mixed dog breed that can find anything? Labragoogle. I heard there's a new pill to cure procrastination. I'll look into it next week.
it may not be the right way, but nothing wrong with it....
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