Posts
some great ones here today...
If everyone in the world started wearing clogs ... chaos wooden shoe. A German thief was apprehended after stealing a large statue of Bismarck. Charged with grand theft Otto. When a pirate used his teeth to check the gold content of a doubloon... ...did it become a bitcoin? Plastic surgery used to be a controversial topic. Now when you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow. A magician pulled a pig out of his hat. It was a masterful display of sleight of ham. Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds. Fred was having trouble convincing his wife that they were eating too many hotdogs. He had to have a frank discussion with her. Fred got into a heated argument with his neighbour over the height of his new fence. Thankfully it's blown over now. I just learned about something called recency bias. It's my favorite thing ever. Fred lost his job at the soy sauce factory. I wanted to make a joke about losing such...
Fred is trying to overcome his hiking addiction. But he's not out of the woods yet. I was mixing two-part epoxy and got it all over my hands. The doctor said it might never come off, but I'm going to keep my fingers crossed. I dislike self-deprecating humor. Mainly because I'm really bad at it. Fred is constantly worried about having enough space and supplies for the chicks he's hatched. He broods too much. If ignorance is bliss there should be a lot more happy people. If I had the DeLorean from the movie Back to the Future, I think that I'd drive it from time to time. Bakers don't often share their bread making techniques. It's strictly on a knead to dough basis. Good gardeners eat what they can and can what they can’t. Carrots are said to be good for your eyes, but wine can double your vision. If someone is complaining about bad drivers just let them talk - they hate it when you cut them off.
Fred only ever gardens with his eyes shut. The hedge trimming is impressive, but the way he cuts grass…is totally blind mowing. The tallest tree in California is hard to describe. It has a certain je ne sequoia. My foot fell asleep, it was almost coma-toes. Fred pulled a muscle when he was digging for gold. He's okay now, just a miner injury, I saw a documentary about what happens when you wake up. It was eye-opening. The difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant? One is naan profit, the other is pho profit. My system for organizing record albums is almost perfect, but it has trouble with British bands from the 60s. I’m still working out The Kinks. A hurricane rolls into a millibar. The bartender looks it in the eye as it downs a bunch of water and then storms off. Fred broke up with his girlfriend because she’s left-handed. It wasn’t right. Fred didn’t know if he was living in the past, present or future. It made him tense. Ships were having troub...
My dog chewed up a bunch of my Scrabble letters. I'm at a loss for words. The latest payment option for gravestones? Crypto. Fred was going to tell me a joke about jump ropes. I told him to skip it. To kill a vampire in France, you have to drive a baguette through its heart. The process is painstaking. The actor Post Malone was the youngest of three brothers. Pre Malone the oldest, and Malone the middle brother. After years of brushing with Crest, Fred bought a tube of Colgate. He said he needed a change of paste. Shouldn't cowboy clothes be called ranch dressing? Fred is creating a documentary dedicated on how to move cattle.. You herd it here first. If you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Fake Viagra gives you placeboners. Fred took an improv class but it was awful, the professor was completely unprepared.
from doug...
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?” The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy wal...
I'm tired of politicians asking for money and then burning through it. Those guys are always razing funds. I recently tried Kangaroo beer. I could really taste the hops. A Roman Emperor with asthma? Julius Wheezer. Have you ever seen the digits on the bottom of breakfast food boxes? You'll see it's a cereal number. Yesterday, I wore something from 10 years ago and it still fit. It was socks but I'm taking the win. I would really like things to spiral into control every once in a while. I went to a cheap clothing store today… …and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Liam Payne didn’t know if you fall off a balcony you can only go… …one direction. Fred once got into an argument with a knight. But they sworded it out. Someone that only makes iced coffees? A Brrrrrista. Fred gets annoyed when he can't find a clean towel after his shower. He suffers from irritable towel syndrome. Astronomers dislike vegetarian restaurants. They prefer something meteor.
Fred told me he hated carnivals... We argued, but his points were Fair. Every politician’s favorite animal? The Giant Pander. Fred is fighting an addiction to country dancing. He's now in a good two-step program. A forest ranger saved a buck from going over a cliff by grabbing his antlers. He hung on for deer life. Fred's wife thinks he's having an affair He took her golfing for the first time and she said "there's no way you can spend so much time and money on something you're this bad at." My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke... No one found that humerous. I could never be friends with a seamstress. They're too clothes-minded. A bunch of hypocrites went to war. They marched under a double standard. The inventor of Velcro died recently. Rip. An animal that only eats circus performers? Carnyvore. Fred is really good at drawing perpendicular lines. His skill is unparalleled. I thought about starti...
There is a new international weight-loss competition. The Ozempics. Fred always wanted to learn to juggle. He just never had the balls to try it. I never understood how people were able to calculate how deep undersea objects are. I just can’t fathom it. Fred always turns anything positive into a negative. He has the minus touch. The self-deprecation society is just now starting to take applications for new members.. I’ve already put myself down. Fred finally decided to retire from a long career as a graffiti artist. To be honest,the writing's been on the wall for a long time. Fred walked into the doctor's office with water running down his chest and dripping off his shoulders. It turned out he had a crick in his neck. A couple of cleaners won a contest to be space tourists. They ended up scrubbing the mission. My old bank manager kept mostly to himself. He was a loaner. One difference between me and Superman is that he has super vision, while I require supervision.
