crotchety ruv

  A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.   At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?" The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero." The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.   At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?" He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day." The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go"   Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To cel

 

 

 

 

 

 They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic But so far I've made 2 vases and a jug, and they are lovely.   It's fitting that when conspiracy theorists die... ...they get stuck in a plot.   Occasional Chairs What are they the rest of the time?   If  you want to feel old just, drive the speed limit.   Is someone who pretends to be Swedish an artificial Swedener?   Fred is  thinking about taking up meditation. He figures it’s better than sitting around doing nothing   I told my doctor I heard buzzing But he said it’s just a bug going around   The internet is just a great big idiot incubator.   I have a feeling that I’ll lose my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing is on the wall.

 

 

 

 A pack of skeletons in a marathon? The rundead.   Rivers are always on time because they like to stay current.   To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.   Did you hear about the new brand of cream cheese flavored vodka? It’s called Schmearnoff.   Fred  used to belong to a union for woodworkers But after they mandated the use of safety gloves, he and some of his coworkers broke off and formed a splinter group.   A catholic person came out today They were nun-binary   Started a new political party called the Scissors Party, been told we are not allowed to run   Local Drug Store got robbed of all razor blades and skin lotion products with no clues left behind. Cops are on the lookout for a smooth criminal

 Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A : Under the vacuum cleaner.   Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."   A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"   Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

 

 

 

 

https://fb.watch/cFlEDPT8Vm/  

  A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 A snake that works for the Government would be a Civil Serpent.   You'll never get a reservation at the LIbrary. They are fully booked.   What did the scuba diver say after being bitten by the sea cow? I've lost my faith in huge manatees.   Fred loves to dehydrate grapes. It's his raisin d'être.   Bessie  the cow does not have control of her emotions. She has a moo disorder. Udderly out of her mind.   I’m going to make a generic version of Plan B I’m going to call it Contingent C   When Bruce became Caitlyn Did they have a Jenner reveal party?   The missing Zamboni driver has yet to resurface.   Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin as one prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.   Life is like a helicopter... It goes up, it goes down, and I have no idea how to control it

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-61239761  

Fred slept like a log last night Woke up in the woodshed.   If towels could tell jokes They'd have a very dry sense of humor.   Demons would make good lawyers because possession is nine tenths of the law.   Fred got a new job at the observatory… Everything’s looking up.   I decided I need less negatively in my life... ...so from now on I'll only measure temperatures in degrees Kelvin.   Fred does have schizophrenia, but he’s good people.   Fred is going to open a  sperm bank in Indiana called Hoosier Daddy.   It's hard to get a straight answer from a champion wrestler. They're hard to pin down.  

 

 

 

 

 A frightened Russian soldier, out of breath, ran up to a nun. “Please," he panted, "may I hide under your skirt, I will explain later. Quick, there is no time!" Amazingly, the nun agreed. Seconds later, two military police appeared. “Sister! Did a soldier run past you?" The nun, gesturing toward the town square, said "Yes - down that way. Very fast!" The police ran off, disappearing. The soldier, still nervous, peering this way and that, crawled out from under her skirt. "I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see ... I don't want to be shipped off to Ukraine." The nun said, “I understand. Believe me." The soldier added, “Please ... do not think me rude, but ... you have a great pair of legs." "If you had looked a little higher," said the nun, "you would’ve also seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine, either.”   An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant positi

 A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.   The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.        The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception.  But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."        "Absolutely not," says the rabbi.  "It's immodest.  Men and women always dance separately."        "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"        "No," answered the rabbi.  "It's forbidden."        "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?  Can we finally have sex?"        "Of course!" replies the rabbi.  "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"        "What about different positions?" asks the ma

 What do you call the abominable snowman in the Italian alps? A Spag-yeti   Do small cows produce condensed milk? Satan's hair piece? Hell toupee   The biggest stringed instrument concert of the year? Coachello.   Supposedly there’s a style of rice shaped pasta. Orzo I’m told.   Fred always over embellishes the adventures and missions he went on while in the armed forces. He’s been diagnosed with a rare disorder called “boast dramatic quest distorter”   Why was the French cheese maker so wrinkled? From age   Fred'scompany hired a new accounting firm. The work they have done for them  has been Deloitte-ful.   I married a statistician Our correlation is the causation of our children.