2 great ones from doug.....

 A frightened Russian soldier, out of breath, ran up to a nun.

“Please," he panted, "may I hide under your skirt, I will explain later. Quick, there is no time!"
Amazingly, the nun agreed. Seconds later, two military police appeared.
“Sister! Did a soldier run past you?"
The nun, gesturing toward the town square, said "Yes - down that way. Very fast!"
The police ran off, disappearing.
The soldier, still nervous, peering this way and that, crawled out from under her skirt.

"I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see ... I don't want to be shipped off to Ukraine."
The nun said, “I understand. Believe me."
The soldier added, “Please ... do not think me rude, but ... you have a great pair of legs."
"If you had looked a little higher," said the nun, "you would’ve also seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine, either.”

 

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
The Blonde responds, "I'd have to say the living one."