sooo true....
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great moe joke...
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take alook at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,want to take a look at this?" The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
almost weekend gordisms....
I recently heard about a novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure... So I headed down to the library to see if they had a copy. The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not. Two types of comedy I enjoy: Self-defecating humor, and malaprops. To whoever stole my oversized clock, you owe me big time. Years ago I thought working with fractions was easier. Then realized decimals have a point. They have recently begun rationing surgical gloves on ambulances. They only get a pair a medic. How do you know when a planet dies? You'll read it's orbit-uary Fred got into a really heated argument with his wife while they were moving house. He managed to smooth things over for now, but there's a lot left to be unpacked. Not all rainbows are either good or bad. It's a spectrum Feeling out of my element This only happens periodically
mid week gordisms....
Whoever stole my identity, who the hell do you think you are? Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking. I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo. Fred hired a handy man and gave him a list of six things to do. When Fred got home, only #1, 3 & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs. What is the difference between a weasel and a stoat? Well, ones weasel-y identifiable, and the other one's stoat-ally different To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now. My understanding of Parkinson’s is a bit shaky. There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. What do you call a geometry teacher with multiple wives? A Polygonist Fred's mathematician girlfriend broke up with him. Sh
The Italian Virginity Test Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit; a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc? The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!' You hit her with the shovel
great collection of dating ads from eva....
FOXY LADY Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband. Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. SERENITY NOW I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy. MEMORIES I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
from Jacob the researcher....
Einstein was born on March 14, 1879. He would be 142 if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed". He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as... Einstein's Theory of "Relative-Titty."
must watch....my late father's siblings were killed in places like this.....
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-europe-58706841
Whoever stole my highlighter, I’ll find you, mark my words! Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. (I hear it's a light sentence, though) It's easy to fall in love with a taser if it hits you They really are quite stunning What kind of guns do gorillas use? Ape-K-47's I've managed to create a lightbulb powered only by wordplays. Now I have a socket full of punshine. How to kill vegetarian vampire? Just with a steak to the heart. I have a small pet lizard. I named him "Tiny" because he is my newt. When Fred and his wife and I disagree about something, they sit down and talk it through like adults... ...and then they agree that she was absolutely right. What do you call a kinky geologist? A masoschist. What do you call carving a pumpkin in September? Premature ejackolantern
Life without geometry would be pointless. Fred asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job." It’s been a few years now since the tragic fire that burned down part of the Cathedral of Notre Dame...Authorities still haven’t determined how the fire started,but they say one of the residents of the Cathedral has a hunch. Whoever stole my dictionary, I have no words for what you’ve done. My friend didn't understand what compost was. I had to break it down for him. Fred saw a sign that read “BNGA” He said, “that’s bang out of order”. If you don’t know what a glory hole is… Don’t look into it. Fred had to give up his vegetarian diet. Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows. I was gonna make a cup of tea But it took oolong to boil My wife told me to get help for my drinking So I hired a bartender
great sunday gordisms.....
Whoever stole my shower, it’s time to come clean If you're ever feeling down... Just remember, you're probably closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is. I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them I can also tell if they are standing Two friends pooled money to buy a wind instrument They're now in a same-sax relationship Fred is only attracted to strong intelligent females around his own age, and any females younger than that. Would a burglar who dressed as a dead singer/song-writer who played guitar be a Prince of thieves or a Petty criminal? What two planes did the Germans fear most in WW2? Thunderbolt and Lightning. Very, very frightening. To whoever stole my cow…. My beef is with you, sir!
great ones from mel...
THE UMBRELLA – A TOUCHING STORY On a rainy afternoon in Vancouver recently a group of protesters was gathered outside a hospital handing out pamphlets on the "evils" of vaccines and vaccine passports. They said it violated their rights ??? I politely declined to take one as I entered the hospital. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester who offered her a pamphlet, which she too politely declined. The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about freedoms and rights" ? The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II protecting our rights and freedoms. I lost my husband to Covid, and now my daughter has it ".So how can a naive, privileged, ignorant, self-centred bimbo like you have the right to stand here, talk about rights and freedoms, badmouth