crotchety ruv

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  I just made some dandruff from scratch   "I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly; I’ve always wanted a father figure."   I can’t find my root vegetables. Hopefully, they turnip soon.   My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?” I said, “No, I think they usually smell that way.”   A psychic was hit by a car in town today. Poor sod never saw it coming.   You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right. I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.   I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors...   Fred's wife - "I have changed my mind." Fred - Have you gotten a working one now?

 

 

 

 

 

  Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.   The Pope comes by.  He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.    Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."   The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned  to the beggar with the Cross and said, "

 

 

 

 

 

 

  I'm thinking of opening my own jewelry store If anyone wants to help, give me a ring.   Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden. I think they are velcrows   After my german friend won the lottery, he became a real jerk. Money changed Hans.

https://ottawacitizen.com/news/national/defence-watch/cost-of-canadian-navy-warship-program-jumps-to-77-billion-says-pbo   15 warships….5.1 billion a ship.  This doesn’t need clarification.  $5.1 billion per ship says it all.  There is no way a sensible human being can argue that the cost is justified.  It is BHC  (Beyond Human Comprehension….thanks Tim for the acronym) that this amount could be spent on an ocean-going vessel. WHAT THE FUCK?     $77 billion dollars!!!!!!

  plastic bags…..trying to understand the logic here….almost everything we buy is shrink-wrapped in plastic, but the grocery stores charge us for a plastic bag.  The same grocery store that doesn’t charge us for the plastic bags we use to put our fruits and vegetables in.  Am I missing some sort of logic here?   So there is a great attempt to reduce the plastic that ends up in the landfill.  But doesn’t almost everyone put their weekly garbage in large black plastic bags for the garbagemen to take away?  Again, am I missing the logic here?      We throw food scraps in the green bin which is sent to an anaerobic digester where micro-organisms break down  food waste  in the absence of oxygen. ... This process produces biogas, a mixture of methane and carbon dioxide which can then be used to produce heat, electricity or transport fuels.   If we sent the food to the landfill,  it rots and releases methane.  See above.   But what do we do with all the plastic shrink wrap?  I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/21/us/cbp-seizes-cocaine-laced-corn-flakes-trnd/index.html  

  Colonoscopy...California style Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.   As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure...   "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me..   "I don't have an erection," I replied.   "I do." replied the nurse.   Never get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!

  My grandad always used to say "never a lender or borrower be", and got fired from his job as the library manager.   Did you hear about the Italian who lost the use of his arms? Now he only speaks French.   What do you call an overweight clairvoyant? A four-chin teller   Some people have 32 teeth, while some people have only 6. It's simple meth.   What kind of car does an electrician drive? A volts-wagen   My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. I have an uncle, once removed.   What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills? Bernadette

  SYNAGOGUE TRADITION During a service at an old synagogue in  Eastern Europe, when the holy Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, though learned as he  was  in the Law and commentaries, didn't  know  what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man who was one of the original founders of their temple.  The rabbi agreed. He hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was.  So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is it the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat, said, "It must be the tradition to si

 

 

 

 

 

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https://www.businessinsider.com/50-best-selling-albums-all-time-2016-9  

 

 

 

  Watching my easily amused dog chasing his tail, made me realize I was watching a dog chase his tail. My friend says that heavy cream is pure fat; to which I replied no, it’s whey more. I once dated a girl who worked as a Telemarketer But she had too many hang ups What is, “Heck”? Heck is where people go who don’t believe in “Gosh”. Fred's wife screamed at him, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you." "May divorce be with you!!" he replied

 

https://www.motor1.com/news/489056/consumer-reports-best-cars-2021/   https://www.autoblog.com/2021/02/18/vehicle-dependability-study-lexus-land-rover-jd-power/ https://www.autoblog.com/2021/02/18/mazda-leads-consumer-reports-brand-rankings/

  https://ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/seven-arrested-more-than-5000-cannabis-plants-seized-in-south-glengarry-township so pot is legal to buy.  It’s legal to smoke in public.  But it’s illegal to grow?  It’s a plant.  Like lettuce or dill or sunflowers.  It’s natural.  No illegal additives.  How can a plant be illegal?

 

 

 

 

 

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhsKxUD6IQZXVbdWZsCoMPdA9_fKB-O7iH9_xUwVwyIs9zlvlSiGu32MPyCY-QatVCZwpF2Yne5EPAql09JaCWKCiDkU59OOgD1jhUH3xrSd9WUjEPX1BRI-7Gei3S9FIc_vumEQuAh28z/s1600/things_you_should_have_learnt_in_school_15.gif  

  https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiowbn6rglwyPSP1VRDWR5VpyIBYLiZrJMq-zF2rd77KQxJFtapxz9oJcph1aPZUyCwxtHXdNXG0wZ4TDv_qLngjQnMdPi0Bcg6REsYV0NnFhmrLBUyb-bU5Nx9GtMTF0_8HgoHdsWCG9O6/s1600/things_you_should_have_learnt_in_school_07.gif

 

 

 

 

Gus hasn’t seen his dad since his dad came out as a woman His dad is transparent What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet Moist-your-eyes if you attempt to fail and succeed, which have you done? Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch. Yeti never complains I got an awesome portable stereo made of cake. It's a gateau blaster. I always turn down Alphabet soup in favour of Ramen numerals. What do you call someone who worries that they might have ADHD? A hyperchondriac  One of my friends down the street moved away and a horse moved in where my friend used to live I miss my friend but the horse is a great neighbour. Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice, how did two sticks win?

 

 

 

  A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks  over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around  nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales  person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst  nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her, and he's good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?' Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little  'incident', she asks... 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers,.. "Madam . .  if you farted just looking at it, - you're going to shit

 

 

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/entertainment/tv/news/1000-lb-sisters-star-tammy-slaton-comes-out-as-pansexual/ar-BB1dG5bc?li=AAggFp5  

 

https://fb.watch/3GgvkfW_fE/  

https://fb.watch/3GfWMWt_v0/  

 

  THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed,  but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… At which point he paused,  placed the be

  Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

https://north99.org/tell-bell-and-rogers-pay-back-government-wage-subsidies/?utm_source=North99&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Bell%20Rogers%20Petition&utm_content=Bell%20Rogers%20CEWS%20%E2%80%93%20Petition%20%E2%80%93%20February%2012%202021&link_id=2&can_id=fcdc597ccd07247ed4828a24adc04be6&email_referrer=email_1075070&email_subject=new-bell-and-rogers  

 

 

 

 

 

without hesitation, intelligent people will always strap their kids into car seats, booster seats, or make sure they are wearing a seat belt.  They love their kids, and this will save their lives. it really pisses me off, that people who love their dogs, just throw them in the car, even on the front seat, and if the dog is small enough, they will drive with it on their lap!  WAKE UP, IDIOTS!!!!  if you really care for your dog, strap him in or put him in a secured crate.  If you stop suddenly....goodbye pet!  Right through the front window! And if your excuse is, I don't plan on having an accident, you're an idiot, and answer this question....why do you bother strapping in your kids if you don't plan on having an accident? SMARTEN UP PET OWNERS!

  What happens if you get addicted to rehab? What's the difference between an airplane and your ex? The airplane carries less baggage. I wonder if anybody uses Head and Shoulders, to wash their shoulders.   Tonight we are having a Himalayan rabbit stew.  We found Himalayan on the road. 1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?     2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?   3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?  

 

 

 

 

 

https://toronto.ctvnews.ca/mobile/ontario-woman-who-drives-mercedes-will-need-to-pay-7-000-to-fix-headlights-1.5305676  

  >>  Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say,  "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." >> >> Norma always replied, "I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!" >> >> One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." >> >> To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks " >> >> The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." >> >> Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. >> >> The pilot did all

 

 

 

 

  OLD FOLKS HOME new rules On her first day at the senior complex the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.  Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, an older lady named Betty   stood  up in the crowd and   inquired:  "How much for a season pass?"

 

  A man goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I    have to talk to you about it."     The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"     The man replies, "My wife is going to poison me."     The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"     The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"     The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."     A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to   your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?  “ The man says, "Yes." The Rabbi replies, "Take the poison."

 

  Fred left his ex-wife after catching her cheating on him with her deaf best friend.. He really should have read all the signs   Why are so many people interested in scotch tape? Its fasten-aiding.   Anti-vaxxers are heroes They prevent diseases from going extinct.   A sign on a music store door: Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet   Never ask a starfish for directions.   Whenever my baker makes a joke he cracks a rye smile People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do it... I used to have a job working for a anesthesiologist I really hated that job, left me feeling numb

 

 

 

  The CIA had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Kill her." The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home".  The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about five minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "  Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given

  A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7  inches in your pants. After reading the note, the man decided to reply. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes CL600 in my several garages; I have beautif