my new year's eve friend?....
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Television is a medium. Where something well done is rare. When Fred discovered that he was holding the taser the wrong way... He was stunned. Did you know that orcas are technically porpoises? They just do a killer whale impression. The downside of being a bomb disposal technician is that it takes six hours just to open Christmas gifts.
Fred texted a funny video to his friends for christmas. He is a great gif giver. Fred is banned from caroling in the psych hospital now. Turns out singing "do you hear what I hear" was a bad choice. Fred's biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present. It's a gift. I was thinking recently about the ethics of farming mushrooms. It was a morel dilemma.
200 shepherds in a conference room? A shearholder meeting. Fred tried to get the Netflix fireplace to work for hours to no avail. Turns out he forgot to put the login. Police are looking for a thief who stole a cement truck They have a few leads but nothing concrete. The difference between a reindeer and a knight in shining armor? One is slaying a dragon and the other is dragon a sleigh.
I almost fell overboard once but was saved by boxes of fish. There but for the crates of cod go I. Fred got a shift-work job in a factory that makes chess sets. He's on knights next week. The difference between love and marriage is that love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener. Sexual harassment in the kitchen is *chefs kiss*.
I don’t like Turkey at Christmas, it puts me to sleep. I’m not a trypto-fan. The breed of animal that produces chocolate milk? The ca-cow. When he went to Australia, Fred tried kangaroo steaks. He said it tasted like a strong IPA - kind of hoppy. Why do many people watch Bruce Willis movies during Christmas? Because old habits DieHard.
A podiatrist had a particularly difficult case and remarked afterward, “That’s was no easy feet.” Please remember to not leave a fire burning in the fireplace tonight…. You might wake up to a crisp Kringle. Fred brought his chess set to the pawn shop… …He thinks he got rooked. This morning I coughed up a pawn, a bishop and a rook. I must have a chess infection. I'm expecting a rough knight.
The best optometrists are from Ethiopia. They can help you read Afar. The best way to steal maple syrup? Syruptitiously. What do accountants and room service personnel have in common? They spread sheets. Fred took his dog to the vets after he ate the Christmas tree lights. When the vet told him he would be ok, his little face lit up.
Fred took his pet rabbit to the vet because it wasn't moving. They said the situation was hopless. Fred has an addiction to apples and goes through several bags a day. Sadly, He can’t get close enough to any doctors to get it treated. Christmas isn’t the time to dwell on the past or to plan for the future. It’s all about the present. What's a dentist's favourite snack? Enamel crackers.
Fred bought his wife a reversible jacket for Christmas. He can't wait to see how it turns out. I had a nightmare about a leaky dish soap tanker filling Panama Canal locks with white foam. You could say I'm dreaming of a white isthmus. When pharmacists get sick…do they get a taste of their own medicine? Fred's dad wanted him to become a meteorologist. But Fred couldn't decide weather or not.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" from vince...
I was taking a stab at coming up with some sword fighting puns, but I couldn’t find any words with a duel meaning. According to my doctor, I’m not getting enough fiber in my diet. This news has been really hard to digest. How happy is Fred now that his cloning experiments finally worked? He's beside himself. Santa is surprisingly good at public speaking. He really knows how to present.
Fred's wife told him that he's average. That's mean. Attic renovations are less costly than basement renovations. There’s less overhead. I used to think that Steven Tyler had a real band… But it was all an Aeromyth. Harrison Ford stars as Joseph, saving Baby Jesus from three wise guys, in the upcoming Holiday adventure “Clear and Present Manger”. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself I would be glad to do it for you.
Karate for people with one arm? Partial arts. Fred passed the Flags of the World test with flying colors. When in doubt, know who you are going to blame. There are 4 phases of life: You believe in Santa Claus. You don't believe in Santa Claus. You are Santa Claus. You look like Santa Claus. The police station was robbed of all their scuba gear. Guess they'll never get to the bottom of it. Especially not since all their K9 gear was also stolen, so they have no leads. But, all the confiscated drugs are still there, so they may have a crack at it. And their guns and ammo is also still there, so I bet they'll take a shot at it.
Fred lost his job as a waiter. Manager said he just didn’t bring enough to the table. If a cat's hair stretched to an eighth of a mile, it would be furlong indeed. Santa Claus is known for his punctuality. He always arrives in the Nick of time. I don't care for math puns, but I can make one if I half two.
Fred tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a total waist of time, but at least it held his pants up for a minute. There's a new movie coming out about mobile homes. You've got to see the trailer. Fred is tired of driving his co-workers to the office. He's developing carpool tunnel syndrome . Never run with bagpipes. You could get kilt.
