from vince...
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Fred is deaf and since he fractured his arm, he only speaks in broken English. Fred started dating a mime. They're not talking yet, but things are going great. When you're traveling in France, you shouldn't eat finger foods with your left hand. It's considered gauche. Someone asked me how I found out about REO Speedwagon. I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend.
Fred found some cigarettes at the thrift shop. They were second hand smokes. Fred always does the limbo when going on first dates. It lowers the bar. Fred was feeling down yesterday and asked his wife "Am i useless?" She said "No honey, you are not useless, you can be used as a bad example." Tennis players are the most humble people. No matter how rich they get, they still serve others."
Restaurant Manager: Why should we hire you as a waiter? Fred: For starters, I bring a lot to the table. Fred's kids pranked him by putting glue on his favourite deck of playing cards. He is having a hard time dealing with it. There will always be a high tide and a low tide. And that is a shore thing. The next Olympics are expected to have a new event where you drink 10 cups of herbal tea. It’s called the decaflon. Fred met his wife blowing up and testing balloons at a toy factory where they both worked. It took them 2 years to tie the knot.
So, you've bought a flock of sheep and they're all rams? Sounds like ewe problem. Ever since Fred injured himself when bicycling home after a night out.... He can't handle bars. In Texas they never forget to serve pie with ice cream. It's a matter of Texan pride: remember the à la mode. Fred quit his construction job because everything was too heavy. He had to give his too weak notice.
What do you call a little boy whose ancestry is French & Scottish? A oui laddie. Fred irritated his acquaintances by arranging them into Venn diagrams depending on how much they liked him. Apparently he was unpopular in certain circles. Fred's wife keeps sewing hidden microphones into his clothes. It really bugs him. Fred got a job working in a hay field. After the first day he baled
Who erects the best barns and sheds in Hanoi? The Vietnamish. Fred got the word "Fortuitous" tattooed right below his right armpit... It's so luck is always on his side. Someone told me that my wife and daughter look like twins. I said, 'well, they were separated at birth'. The difference between a mathematician and a statistician? The mathematician is certain about nothing, but the statistician is uncertain about everything.
If you see something on the internet offering to find you an exclusive group of friends, don’t fall for it. It’s clique bait. The most important person at the tree pruning company? Branch Manager. Fred quit his job and ran off with the circus to be a mime. I haven't heard from him since. I don't mind leg day at the gym. It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
A good way to prepare yourself for parenthood is to talk to rocks because they have similar listening habits. Donald Trump and Elon Musk are breaking up. …who gets to keep the doge? Fred thought he could cure himself of anything by drinking enough water... ...but he was just diluting himself. There should be an Olympic sport for defeatism, not that I could ever win
from doug... 1] The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.” 2] A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women,...
