crotchety ruv

 

 

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  Fred entered a lottery to win a new broom. It's a sweepstakes.   I met someone who used to be an admiral. You'd think a person with that background would be interesting. Turns out they're just a post-naval drip.   The last few costume parties Fred has been to, he has dressed as a shark.... The joke's wearing fin.   When they came up with the name Crazy Glue, did they just keep trying names until something stuck?   Fred lost his job at the local carnival. He's going to sue them for funfair dismissal.   Fred's wife likes to over explain things. He calls it ma’amsplaining. The woman aiding with the birth of Fred's  first child broke down crying suddenly. It was a midwife crisis.   Fred likes to mark his calendar with bright neon colors. It’s the highlight of his day.   I don’t think jokes about German beers are really that funny… Kind of Lowenbrau humor if you ask me.   For  a costume party, Fred is planning to dress up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Why did the grass cutter cross the road? To get to the other scythe.   If a cannibal says "sweetheart" to you... Are they showing affection or wanting to share a recipe?   The danger of pursuing a career playing violin? There’s not a lot of money to be made, and you risk ending up completely baroque.   Why were Mary & Joseph turned away for having the sniffles? No rheum at the inn.   Fred's wife felt regretful about her gold bra. She was racked with gilt.   I’ve got a condition where I keep shouting out parts of castles. I think I’ve got Turrets. Fred offered candy to people on the train. Almost everybody said no, but the conductor couldn’t resist.   Fred was alarmed when he heard a fart sound coming from the closet. Until he remembered that he had hung up his old windbreaker in there.   Fred is so into technology that when night comes he calls it dark mode.   Fred always thought it was polite to hold doors open for the ladi

 

 

 

 

 

 

  While we're not yet close to finding a solution to climate change, we are getting warmer.   While at the gym, Fred decided to hop on a treadmill. People started giving him weird looks, so he started jogging instead.   If you’ve never owned a telescope… It’s definitely worth looking into.   They say infectious diseases don't have songs... but measles has enanthem.   Under what circumstances will Trump sell Mar A Lago? As his last resort.   Fred is a very popular bartender, likes to keep his clients laughing. He always has a few beer jokes on tap. An 80s American rock band driving a car in Germany? AutoBon Jovi.   I have a lot of respect for giraffes. They're an animal you can really look up to.   Fred's dog started limping. He has Arfritis.   Fred was asked how he became such a good gardener. He said it was by trowel and error.   Whenever Fred thinks about buying a lottery ticket.. He thinks about his ex-wife and remembe

 

 

 

 

 

 

  A kangaroo’s lazy joey? Pouch potato.   Fred doesn't know much about international politics. The majority of it is foreign to him.   Fred went for a job interview at IKEA. The manager greeted him by saying, "Come in. Make a seat".   My new floor coverings are really quite durable. Surprisingly rugged.   People go on and on about their phobias I’m afraid of heights, but you don’t hear me shouting it from the rooftops.   The band's drum set fell on Fred's head as they loaded the truck. He now has a percussion. Britain’s favorite cellular service provider? Tea Mobile.   People don't trust Fred to play chess honestly. He has a checkered past.   There is a very popular book about the finest basement ever created. It's on the best cellar list.   I have some income from sending dad jokes. It's all punny money.   Finally, the big boxing match is about to start. It's a bout time.   Where do mansplainers

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Fred got in trouble for being lazy. He doesn't know why, He didn't do anything.   Please don’t beat up a baby goose. It’s mean to punch down like that.   What to call a table tennis playing giant ape who comes to your door for karaoke? Ping-pong playing King Kong, going “ding-dong” for a sing-song.   To whoever stole my furniture: Very unchairtable of you.   Fred painted a picture of all the speeding tickets he has ever received. It's fine art.   My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls. Fred bought a pair of high quality headphones. They’re a sound investment.   Fred is an audio engineer. He always gives sound advice.   A German went to the beach and snagged a seabird to make into a sausage. Sadly, he took a tern for the wurst.   You always find your keys in the last place you look. Probably because once you've found them, you aren't not looking for them anymore.   Critics are saying the new Michael Jackson mo

National Post  Liberal plan to quietly delay election would secure millions for their doomed MPs If held on its originally scheduled date, as many as two dozen Liberal MPs face defeat without qualifying for a gold-plated pension Get the latest from Tristin Hopper straight to your inbox Sign Up Author of the article: Tristin Hopper Published Mar 22, 2024   •   Last updated 1 hour ago   •   4 minute read The Liberals have quietly tabled a revision to the Elections Act that would have the effect of ensuring that more than two dozen MPs will qualify for gold-plated parliamentary pensions even if they lose the next election. Under the existing terms of Canadian electoral law, Canada’s next mandatory general election date is Oct. 20, 2025 — a function of the Elections Act requiring a general election to be held “on the third Monday of October in the fourth calendar year following polling day for the last general election.” The revision — contained in a  package of proposed amendments  — is a

 

 

 

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  A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?" While going out for a ride with his young daughter, a doctor notices the little girl playing with his stethoscope. He becomes excited, thinking "My daughter is going to follow in my footsteps!" Just then the g

  I t's never a good idea to take Viagra when you have kidney stones. You might find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place.   Something the bible won't tell you: The male dog never made it onto Noah's ark, yet survived the floods. He was a good buoy.   All the flights from Liverpool's John Lennon Airport have been canceled....... Imagine all the people.   Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick because although it has vibrant colours, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. She was quoted as saying: "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".   A grasshopper with a guitar? Jiminy Hendrix.   So you’re telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it’s cute, but when I do it, I need an intervention?   Fred is struggling to make ends meet. Next belt he buys will be one size up.   The fact there's a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell.... Tells you a lot ab