crotchety ruv

 

 

 

  A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'       She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'     

There’s a contest going on at the cemetery. You only have to be interred to win.   Fred admitted to being a fan of vampires. I said, "That must really suck."   Humans were once able to understand ravens and crows, but no longer. Nobody knows the caws.   Have you heard about almonds and soy? They make a milk, like no udder.   Fred dissolved a Viagra in his mouth just to see what would happen and didn't get an erection. But he did tell a few people some hard truths.   Garbage men think they are so tough, but all they do is talk trash. A group of Jewish orthopedic surgeons? Orthodox ortho docs.   Fred just bought a yacht at a very good price. Turns out it was a sale-boat.   The difference between a narcissist and a flying pig? The letter f.   You know you are old when you can't enjoy your Alpha-Bits without reading glasses.   Fred is a mime so I always have to speak up for him.   Fred can't remember anything about the

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night the server filled Fred's water glass and said "This is still water" Fred said "Apparently you're not Jesus".   Do cowboys roll joints or just tumble weed?   People were angry when Fred rode a horse without a saddle. He didn't expect it to stirrup so much controversy.   A lonesome fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish.   Marine scientists have crossed an Electric Eel with a Sea Sponge It’s called a Shock Absorber   I need a power strip to plug stuff into. Should I go to an Outlet Mall?  Fred saw an elephant with a short nose the other day. It was truncated.   An acorn; “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree”.   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.   There’s a new “Door Dash” type service for cocaine. It’s called “Insta Gram.”   Fred is a landlord and had to go to some special therapy sessions. Turns out he had an

  A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.     After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.     She says, 'What's the story?'     He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'     She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'  

 

  A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.” As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?” Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. T

  Brian lives in San Luis Obispo (CA). He was sick of the world, sick of  COVID, Trump, Fox News, the "My Pillow" guy, Russia, China, global warming, street crime, fentanyl, illegal immigrants, racial tensions & the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines. Brian drove his car into his garage & then sealed every doorway & window as best he could. He got back into his car, wound all the windows up, selected his favorite radio station, started the car & revved it to a slow idle. Five (5) days later, a worried neighbor peered thru his garage window & saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services. They broke in & pulled Brian from the car. A little sip of water &, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition. However, his Tesla had a dead battery.

  A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.  While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.    The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in  the act. For $100 tip, in addition to the cab fare from the Toronto airport, the cabbie agrees.    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The  husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his  wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.    The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.  HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.  HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.  HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets.  HE paid for your Argo season tickets.  HE paid for our cottage in the Muskoka’s.  HE paid for our speed boat.  HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!’ 

 

 

 

  Fred is a man of his word. And that word is unreliable.   Fred was engaged to a woman who worked at a ski resort but she got cold feet. Their engagement fell apart and it was all downhill from there.   Bruce Lee’s is tiny, Arnold Schwarzenegger's is huge, Madonna doesn't possess one, and the Pope doesn’t use it. Surnames can be a fascinating subject of discussion.   The first person to design a reclining chair really had a leg up on the competition .   The person who coined the phrase “One Hit Wonder” never came up with another catchphrase.   A paperclip is a staple for people with commitment issues. Fred decided to start an audio series dedicated to cookware. It's gonna be the world's first POTcast.   Do you think songs about Jesus... ...identity as He/hymn?   Two parties were feuding and couldn't come to an agreement, so they sought out a psychic known for her cheery disposition. In doing so, they found a happy medium.   Fred

 

 

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porsche. Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock. “I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly. “With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!” “Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.” “Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!” “The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.” The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard. “I’m the father of

 

 

 

 

  Fred finished his month-long training at the Acme sponge factory. It was a lot to absorb.   My dermatologist retired. She just didn't have that itch anymore.   Fred left his homemade bread in the oven too long. Now it's toast.   Changing a bulb in a ceiling light is hard. Chances are you'll screw it up.   I don’t think about the Roman Empire at all. When I sit down at night, I rest my legs and think about the Ottoman Empire.   Fred can’t stop thinking about cysts, blisters, and boils. He's abscessed!   Fred ate his breakfast off the ground this morning. Eggs Floorentine.   The worst way to tell someone to stop making forgeries? "Knock it off."   When buying a used bird cage… You should always ask for proof of perches.   It's difficult to score in rugby but you can try.   Fred has a sink that has seperate spigots for hot an cold water. He says in multi-fauceted.   Poodles are like cranberries. Most pe

 

 

'A SHOT OF WHISKEY'   - In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash, he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey. BUYING THE FARM -   This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors. IRON CLAD CONTRACT -   This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.  

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ues8ycOxXKM  

  Fred's house was burglarized and they stole all his sheets and blankets. His insurance agent told that he wouldn't be covered.   The best way to catch a puppeteer? With a marionet.   If you oppose having a higher initial bet for your parent's sister, are you... Anti-auntie-ante?   Fred told his wife he had a crush on Beyoncé She replied with: “well, whatever floats your boat” He's confused because that’s Buoyancy   I want to learn more about taxonomy but it's all classified.   Fred and his wife got into a fight because he said she didn’t wear enough mascara. He made matters worse by suggesting they makeup. Fred's limo broke down. Mechanic said that it had a cadillac arrest.   The man who invented the tv remote control has died. They found him at home, between his couch cushions.   The gap between rungs on a ladder has increased because people have become taller. This is officially known as climb it change.   Fred