Gordisms...

 

Fred's house was burglarized and they stole all his sheets and blankets.

His insurance agent told that he wouldn't be covered.

 

The best way to catch a puppeteer?

With a marionet.

 

If you oppose having a higher initial bet for your parent's sister, are you...
Anti-auntie-ante?

 

Fred told his wife he had a crush on Beyoncé
She replied with: “well, whatever floats your boat”
He's confused because that’s Buoyancy

 

I want to learn more about taxonomy
but it's all classified.

 

Fred and his wife got into a fight because he said she didn’t wear enough mascara.
He made matters worse by suggesting they makeup.

Fred's limo broke down.

Mechanic said that it had a cadillac arrest.

 

The man who invented the tv remote control has died.
They found him at home, between his couch cushions.

 

The gap between rungs on a ladder has increased because people have become taller.
This is officially known as climb it change.

 

Fred's boss said there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
So Fred told him he has a really big drinking opportunity.

 

I once drew a fish but...
...it wasn’t to scale.

 

I used a fluorescent pen to mark my birthday on the calendar
It was the highlight of my day.