crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

 

  Fred told his boss three companies were after him and he needed a raise to stay at his job. They haggled for a few minutes and he gave Fred a 5 % raise. Leaving his office, the boss stopped and asked Fred, "By the way, which companies are after you?" Fred responded, "The gas, electric and cable company."   The most desired summer body this year? The antibody.   Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It"s called Chirpes.   David has had his ID stolen.... now he's just Dav   There is invented a car that uses cheese made from Spanish sheeps milk as fuel And Manchego fast   What do you call a caveman that likes to wander aimlessly? A meanderthal.  

 A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?" The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

 

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lg077rGZasU  

  What do you call canned pork laced with Ritalin? Short Attention Spam In an unexpected turn of events my apathetic middle eastern  friend just opened an eye hospital He calls it "Asif Eye Care".

 

 

  Fred just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two workers on the production line, so he has to make every second count

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  The Ontario gov’t is moving up the date for our 2 nd  vaccination shots.  Great news.  But they continue their inability to use common sense.  (Isn’t the whole world running on uncommon sense?).     Instead of us having to book online or wait on the phone for hours, why don’t they just say, for example, all those scheduled to get on a shot on Aug 1 will now be able to get it on July 5 th ? Just publish a new date replacing the previously scheduled date for the 2 nd shot, instead of people having to spend hours online or days on the phone?  Wouldn’t that make sense?    Yes it would….and that’s why it’s not being done that way.

https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg25033360-100-alice-roberts-archaeogenetics-will-help-us-solve-mysteries-of-past/  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/money/topstories/diane-francis-a-country-run-by-amateurs-who-hire-more-amateurs/ar-AAKu53E?li=AAggNb9  

 

 

  During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors   "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine. Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"       "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer"      

  I cannot believe how politically stupid we have become.  Unfuckin believable.  We are letting health care workers in hospitals and long term care facilities continue to work when they refuse to get vaccinated against covid.  Yes, it is their misinformed right not to get vaccinated, but not taking the vaccine is putting in jeopardy the ones they are getting paid to take care of.    They have to take courses to become a health worker.  It is mandatory.  If they don’t have a certificate, they can’t do the work.  Taking the vaccine should be considered mandatory.  We can’t force them to take it (well...maybe we should, but that’s a future rant) but we can force them not to work because they are not fully qualified.   We have to add getting the vaccine to their mandatory requirements.  Plain and simple.  No vaccine…no work.    If you think about it, if they kill off all their patients by giving them covid, they won’t have a job anyways!

 

 

  The natural enemies of the Klingons shouldn't be humans, it should be the Teflons.   Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.   Thanks to genetics, I can eat whatever I want and still get fat.   You would think that a snail without a shell would move that bit faster... but it's actually more sluggish..   I wrote my wife a complex poem on a piece of Kleenex. But as it turns out, it was a deep tissue massage that she wanted, not a deep tissue message.

 

 

 

 

  When something happens over and over again, it becomes routine.  It becomes a daily occurrence.  It’s not news anymore.  It’s something that just happens on a regular basis. Another mass killing in the USA today.  This time in San Jose.  It’s so routine, only the location changes.  It’s not news to me anymore.  The ‘holy shit’ factor is long gone.  I expect it to happen every day.  Not that I want it to.  But it’s now routine.   When someone makes a mistake, they may do it again.  But normal, intelligent people will learn from their mistakes and make the change so it doesn’t happen a 3 rd or 4 th time and thereafter.    Americans just don’t get it, I guess

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/video/news/australian-farms-hit-by-plague-of-mice/vi-AAKp1ND  

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-57237059  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/video/news/man-fatally-shot-after-threatening-to-kill-anyone-unvaccinated/vi-AAKmjR3  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/texas-poised-to-allow-unlicensed-carrying-of-handguns/ar-AAKl5Pv?li=AAggFp5  

 

https://lasvegassun.com/news/2021/may/18/heres-the-truth-hamas-is-a-terrorist-group-on-a-mi/   https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/ambassador-motaz-zahran-let-this-be-the-last-israel-gaza-ceasefire-opinion/ar-AAKluK5?li=AAggNb9

 

 

 

 

 

  A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and drinking fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?” My wife: That’s bananas. Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.   What is Instagram called in the USA? Instaounce.   The problem with researching addiction, you can never get too into it.   I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after giving my first lesson. Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.   I saw a guy eating a Cuban style sandwich... And I thought to myself, he's havana good time   what do you call a person who can't tolerate running out of bread? Lack-Toast Intolerant   A man recently died while working at the glasses factory? Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.   I have a photograph of me and the lead singer of REM .... That's me in the corner and that's him in the spotlight. Dropped a 10 dollar bill and the wind caught it, I had to chase it down the road.. I n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the    viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 

  Fred is in a band called Dyslexia.... They've just released their Greatest Shit album.   The police found a stolen car that had a nearly complete set of golf clubs inside... They're still looking for the driver        

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just showed my friend my model of Mount Everest. "Is it to scale?" He asked. "No," I replied. "It's just to look at." I've designed the perfect toilet, but I'm struggling to find testers. No one gives a shit. I asked my friend with dwarfism who his role model is He told me he couldn't pick just one because he looks up to so many people Fred got let go from the dairy farm. Apparently, he doesn't work well with udders

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/rex-murphy-anti-semitisms-vile-unending-hatred-never-ceases-to-smoulder/ar-BB1gUYNJ?li=AAggNb9   https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/rupa-subramanya-there-is-nothing-islamophobic-about-defending-israels-right-to-exist/ar-AAKbQ5p?li=AAggFp5

  Fishing Boat Owner and the CRA The CRA suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. CRA AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: "Well, there's t-boi , my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel's Tennessee honey and a dozen Bush Lights every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally". CRA AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one". Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?              

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGvrmltfMrA  

 

 

 

 

https://www.jpost.com/israel-news/we-must-focus-on-what-we-share-says-1st-arab-woman-head-of-israeli-er-668456   https://www.jpost.com/israel-news/rabbis-imams-call-for-end-to-interethnic-violence-668458

https://www.israellycool.com/2021/05/16/sky-news-australias-rowan-dean-rips-the-media-and-the-left-on-israel/  

 

 

 

 

  There was a big labor disruption at the matchbook factory. The workers closed the doors before striking.   Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently putting together his cabinet.   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?   Hockey is a rough sport last time I checked.   What did the Terminator say after he got his order at Starbucks? Hasta barista baby.   What do you call sandals with no traction? Slip Flops  

 

 

  What do you call a rude elf? A go fuck yourself   Don't tell jokes about lost Canada Post parcels. Nobody gets them.   Imagine how excited Barn Owls were.... ....when humans invented barns   Baby porcupines are prequills to adult porcupines.   The boiling point of milk is the point when you're not looking.   Fred got a job  making vices. It's complicated, but he's coming to grips with it.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  How do dyslexic rabbits pass the time? They buck like funnies.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/may/14/wild-boar-corner-woman-in-rome-and-steal-food-shopping