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Fred has been seeing a counselor who uses Dad Jokes Therapy. He’s a sigh-cologist. Went to a concert last night and the opening act was an illustrator. I was a bit disappointed at first but she really drew a crowd. Fred was happy to finish putting the supports up for his new roof. He was beaming. Fred kept forgetting where he left his shoes. So he bought some memory foam sneakers. Yesterday Fred changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar. That's when he realized his whole life was a joke. Fred is taking the shelf off the top of his fireplace. He's going to dismantle it. Pirates and rappers are alike. They both say, "Yo ho!" And they both be lookin' for booty. Fred doesn't mind going to the dentist, but his tongue always gets depressed. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for a diarrhea cure. Why are many people afraid of the dentist? They always start with a cavity search. I f
Fred applied for a job at a skin moisturiser factory. They rejected him, but told him to keep applying. Someone attracted to people with strong upper arms? Biceptual. I have a couple of sock puppets for sale. Anyone interested in taking them off my hands? Your career choices are your business. Either pursue a career in telemarketing or don't.... It's your call. Airline passengers who dash for the door as soon as the plane lands? Premature Evacuators. Fred wants to try eating South Asian food. He is very curryous. Clown school students have an easy way to remember what to study. They have a silly bus. Sad to report, but even my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks. A musician who disregards all the rules? Flautist. Barbara Streisand is making a new movie in which she plays a spunky grandma who just happens to smuggle tons of powerful synthetic opioids every month. It's called Yentanyl
Fred just published a new pruning guide for houseplants... It's called Plant Parenthood. Fred accidently mis-named the band that produced Dark Side of the Moon, It was a floydian slip. A zamboni driver has gone missing. He is sure to resurface eventually. Archaeologists uncovered a small plot of land with hundreds of buried curved swords. It was an ancient scimtary. I once spent a month in the local water hole. That was time well spent. Fred and his partner took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game. Fred doesn't believe in all of astrology. Just bits and Pisces. Dentists decorate with novocaine. It's an aesthetic. I went to a big family reunion and a guy I didn’t recognise got rowdy and was asked to leave. He was my second cousin, once removed. One of the greatest ironies of the English language is that the word "monosyllabic" is polysyllabic. How do you clean a
from doug.... A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Fred's subtraction jokes are gaining a lot of popularity. They're really making a difference. What app does a Jedi use to read PDF files? Adobe-Wan Kenobi. Fred used to be in the Secret Feline Containment Society... ...but got kicked out when he let the cat out of the bag. What do you do if you spill half a bottle of Scotch on your good shoes? Polish it off. What is it called when a president tries to remove a country's past events from the public's knowledge? A history-rectomy. I watched an old Roy Rogers movie the other day. It came with a Trigger warning. Jacques, the Parisian, realized that his wife had left him. He came home to a DiJon letter. If everyone else was jumping off a dock, I probably would too... I'm pretty susceptible to pier pressure. Fred's kids wanted him to order food delivery but he just walked to get the takeout. Used uberfeets. It's called TAX because it goes back so far into
Dubai has a new waterpark. Project Desert Storm finally delivered. The spirits speak through me and they tell terrible jokes. It's not my fault though, I'm merely a punduit. At first I didn't like the reactions to my puns. But they've groan on me. When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset. Truckers know so much about movies. They watch trailers all day. The worst thing about lectures on ancient history? The profs tend to Babylon. I told a French joke about strawberries, but no one laughed. I probably didn’t fraise it right. Fred joined an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on his screen. It was a zoom meat tin. My dad once said that he would throw me off a cliff if I didn't eat my vegetables. But I knew it was a bluff. Whenever Fred thinks back on things, he always see pictures of cheese. He has a feta graphic memory.
