crotchety ruv

 

 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDFtW4W6V0&ab_channel=1420byDaniilOrain

 try not to laugh at this video..... https://youtu.be/9fCYYPCtHGs

  There is an actor who is so focused on physical fitness, that he carries all his workout equipment wherever he goes. His name is Gym Carry.   Two words that will open a lot of doors for you: push and pull.   Fred thought he would make money growing corn. I told him his idea was just a load of crop.   Fred wrote his own eulogy, citing all the wrongs that he felt he had suffered. It was more of an obitchuary.   In college they called Fred "The Love Machine". Because he was so bad at tennis.   I get a ringing in my ears when it gets dark. It’s a condition called “tonightis” I love Italian pastry But I cannoli eat so much.   They built a rehab facility for book addicts. It only has one story.   I accidentally bit my tongue when listening to a story with an important life lesson... I guess I learned the molar of the story.   Fred was just broken up with for the tenth time this year. Apparently he has hig...

 

 

some great carson clips...haven't seen some of these...   Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day >    They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. > >    The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” > >    The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts ever created." > >    The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question. > >    The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word. > >    The angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.” > >    Stormy was...

 

 

 

 

  I tried eating my Vietnamese noodle soup with a knife and fork… I quickly realised that was a pho pas.   The world's smallest fork is really tiney.   Fred was the best man at his brother's wedding in Paris. At the reception, He raised his Champagne glass and said "Eggs, Cinnamon, Bread, and Maple Syrup." It was a French Toast.   Americans minted a special coin to commemorate Trans people. It's a Susan be Anthony   It takes a fair amount of money to go to the carnival.   It's impossible to put a lava lamp in a basement. As soon as it's underground, it's a magma lamp.   According to a recent study, all fake news usually start with the phrase "According to a recent study". A cheese that likes to sing? Brie-oncé.   Fred's kid asked if he could explain a solar eclipse.... He said "No, son".   Fred can  recite many autobiographies... He is an expert in memoirization.   A coward's favori...

AI to cost the world two-thirds of jobs, Goldman Sachs highlights hardest hit sectors | Mint https://www.livemint.com/news/world/chatgpt-like-ai-tools-to-cost-the-world-two-thirds-of-jobs-goldman-sachs-highlights-hardest-hit-sectors-11679933439459.html  

 

 

 

https://www.motor1.com/news/659132/kia-soul-airborne-crash-tire/  

TAX TIME is Approaching - What does a prostitute claim for depreciation? A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”  He gets her name, ad And then asks, ”What’s your occupation?” “I’m a prostitute,” she says. The accountant is taken aback and says, “That's too gross.  Let’s try to re-phrase that." The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”. “No, that still won’t work.  We need something more acceptable." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?” “Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.” The accountant said, “Brilliant!!!  Poultry Farmer it is!!  And agricultural income is tax free!!!  

 

  I bought a fake bucket today. It was a pail imitation.   Fred invented a new herb-flavoured cookie. It’s called the Oreo-gano   If you have to cancel your scheduled visit with the doctor... does that make it a disappointment?   A chronic pancake thief would be a crepe-tomaniac.   What do you call an Irish IT technician Turner O'Finonagáin   What do you call it when you accidentally buy the wrong salad dressing? Balsamic Vinaregret It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.   The sheep farmer had a flock of rams. They were completely ewesless.   I read a story about sand. It was pretty gritty.   It seems unjust that the stamp forger was jailed for forging stamps... Because, after all, imitation is the sincerest form of philately.   Fred went to a barbecue social the other day. It was a meat and greet.   It's hard being married to a mime. You never know when you're getting the silent treatment ...

There is always a solution to everything Here's the way it should be Let's put the seniors in jail; and all the criminals in nursing homes. This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc. They would receive money instead of having to pay it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly, if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education - and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists. Simple c...

  A kissing machine for long-distance lovers National Post 24 Mar 2023 SHANGHAI • A Chinese startup inspired by lockdown isolation has invented a long-distance kissing machine that transmits users’ kiss data collected through motion sensors hidden in silicon lips, which simultaneously move when replaying kisses received. The MUA, named after the sound people commonly make when blowing a kiss, also captures and replays sound and warms during kissing, making the experience more authentic, said Beijing-based Siweifushe. Users can even download kissing data submitted via an accompanying app by other users. The idea was borne out of China’s frequent, lengthy and widespread lockdown measures during the three-year COVID-19 pandemic that, at their most severe, saw authorities forbid residents to leave their apartments for months on end. “I was in a relationship back then, but I couldn’t meet my girlfriend due to lockdowns,” said inventor Zhao Jianbo. Then a student at the Beijing Film Acad...

 

 

 

 

   PRINCIPAL RESIGNS AFTER COMPLAINTS ON ‘DAVID’ STATUE NUDITY National Post 25 Mar 2023 A Florida charter school principal has been forced to resign after a parent complained sixth graders were exposed to pornography during a lesson on Renaissance art that included Michelangelo’s “David” sculpture. The Tallahassee Democrat reported that the principal, Hope Carrasquilla, of Tallahassee Classical School resigned this week after an ultimatum from the school board’s chairman. Two other parents said they wanted to be notified of the lesson before it was given to their children, Carrasquilla said. The instruction also included Michelangelo’s “Creation of Adam” painting and Botticelli’s “Birth of Venus.” The “David” statue’s nudity has been part of a centuries-old debate about art pushing boundaries and the rules of censorship.

 

 

 

 

  You could fill an entire house with teabags, hot water and milk and make the perfect brew. It's proper tea.   Fred was told that he was heartless to brag about how many deer he was going to kill. But then he came back without bagging any, which I guess is hartless, too.   Join the Math Revolution Rise! Overrun!   Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book. It's now called Special Military Operation and Peace   One summer, Fred worked as an assistant to a one-armed typist. It was shift work.   A military drone accidentally bombed a pig farm. Lots of collateral hamage. The type of aquatic creature that would make a terrible friend? Anemone   Those who don't learn from their dinner getting cold Are doomed to reheat it.   Fred was going to start an aluminum business... ...but his plan has been foiled   Fred was in a band called The Hinges... They opened for The Doors.   Fre...