hilarious...
Posts
from ted.....
Bought some chips to give out at Halloween…had them on the back porch..some kid in the neighborhood stole them..did some research and found out his dad had a criminal record..guess he was a “chip off the old block”
If you are experiencing joint pain... You are holding it at the lit end. Fred is a social vegan He avoids meets. The guy who swallowed a kilogram of gold? He felt Au-full The New York Yankees are moving to the Philippines They will be renamed the Manila Folders. Fred said he didn’t understand cloning… I replied, “that makes two of us” They say you are an alcoholic if you drink everyday. Good thing I only drink at night. It makes complete sense that Major League Baseball has a pair of Sox, but it’s pretty stupid that there’s only one team called the Twins.
Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over. This is known as the Domino’s effect. It's funny how so many people use the phone in the washroom. Doesn't the reception stink? Farmer Fred was humming a tune while harvesting wheat You might say he was singing in the grain Burger King is starting their own line of protein powder supplements. It’s called “Have it Your Whey” What do you call a mean ADHD kid at school who exaggerates everything they say? Hyper Bully A woman who freely lets others borrow from her? Cher.
The main singer in a heavy metal band? Lead vocalist Fred made a lot of money as a sales rep for a lighter company. It was kind of a Bic deal. Fred once built a giant house for a house building contest. It didn't make top 3 but... it got an Honorable Mansion. It’s muggy outside… Inside it’s burglary. A cow with a katana: samoorai I dropped a whole tub of margarine on my foot weeks ago… …I can’t believe it’s not better Did you know that candle flame smells like burnt nose hair?
If prisoners could take their own mug shots… They’d be called cellfies. Walden Pond was a comprehensive book because the author was so Thoreau. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. But, you can halve your cake and eat it two. Fred contacted hislawyer about walking in on his wife cheating on him. His lawyer said it was affair observation. The patron saint of forwarded email? St Francis of a CC I didn't know it was national awareness week. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
quickie....
What is the definition of indecent? 1. If it's in deep and 2. If it's in long then 3. it's indecent
Fred was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines. He had back issues. During the height of covid-19, companies would hire people to disinfect desks & chairs at the end of every day. I once asked one of these cleaners: "What kills the covid-19 virus?" "Ammonia cleaner", he replied. I apologized profusely, "Sorry. I thought you would know." It's embarrassing to spill your drink onto a judge. It can leave a stain on your honor. The worst thing about being a deer? You're sex life is always in a rut. Voyeurism is a stressful hobby There’s a lot of peer pressure. Have sympathy for women who work for Canada post. It's such a mail-dominated industry How do you know your clock has Tourette's? It ticks a lot but never talks.
Fred had dyslexia and a terrible voice. Where did he move? PoreSinga Wife: “Why do you keep buying vinyl?” Fred: “Records are….always a sound purchase.” Fred. the retiring birdkeeper, reflected on his 30-year career "Don't live your life full of egrets", he said. A detective who solves cases accidentally? Sheer Luck Holmes. Why does a white TicTac make your breath smell good? Because that's what it's mint to do. I’ve been trying to start a sarcasm club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not. Someone just called my phone, sneezed, and then hung up... I hate cold calls. My wife says I’m obsessed with alliteration, she says some seriously stupid shit sometimes.
