crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

I am thankful for street signs I don't know where I'd be without them   You know as much as I love turkey…. I’m not that much of a Trypto-fan   Why did the drunk driver go to jail? Carma.   Fred just finished Beethoven's Unfinished Symphony Turns out all he had to do was write The End in letters on the last page.   How do two arsonists hook up? A match on tinder   Why should you always keep cheese nearby? In queso emergency   Apparently wizards are getting impacted by the supply chain issues now. There's a staff shortage.   Fred I bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar…because he refuses to open the doors.   Fred used to review strip clips. It sounds like an easy job but he worked hard.   My poor knowledge of Greek mythology... ...has always been my Achilles' elbow.   What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed? Forget your other half's birthday   How did Mary Poppins die? Supercalifragili

A young woman in New York City was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He br

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Where are most cholesterol-lowering medications made? Statin Island.   My neighbor's bonsai trees were stolen, the police officer investigating came over and asked me what I knew about them... "Very little" I replied.   I’m not a “Glass Half Full” type of person… I’m more of a “Where Did I Put My Glass?” type person.   We should stop kink shaming America for not using metric. They obviously have a foot fetish.   Fred's wife says he's cheap.... ...but Freds not buying it.   Iron man's favorite movie? Ferrous Bueller's day off   Grasshopper meat is a great source of protein; sustainable, and you can eat them cold! Locusts, on the other hand, have to be swarmed up first.      

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you know players in the NFL are not allowed to have pet birds? It's considered a personal fowl.   What would you find in the back of a cafeteria? Why, the bacteria, of course.   Beethoven.com is available for e-lease.   What are Range Eggs and why are they always free?   Having lots of warm, soft blankets is my wife's quilty pleasure.   Fred  bought a very hyped up sports car... ...but it only runs in first gear. Turns out it was just all torque, no action   After my checkup the Doctor presented me with a trophy I just don't remember whether it was atrophy or dystrophy.   A friend said to me "yoga is the best antidepressant available" I replied "Sounds like a bit of a stretch"   Does having sex in a small boat end with an oargasm?  

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didn't know they were that strong....  

Fred was having doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all his valuables. Turns out..it was a safe purchase.   Every time I drink food coloring... I dye a little inside.   I can't stand being around pulleys... They are always the center of a tension.   None of Fred's kids will tell him who left the milk to freeze in the back of the fridge….. He's on the hunt for a cereal chiller.   Fred's wife is leaving him due to his obsession with Star Wars. I said to him, "may divorce be with you."   Is a plateau the highest form of flattery?   The way "colonel" is pronounced is balogna.   When Fred was young, he KNEW that he was going somewhere! Now he realizes that "somewhere" is his recliner chair.  

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/israel-warns-of-emergency-after-detecting-new-virus-strain/ar-AAR9LwM?li=AAggNb9  

 

 

 

 

I used to hate those Russian dolls because they were so full of themselves I'm fine with them now though, once I gave them a chance they really opened up.   Fred and his wife went to a couples counseling seminar recently. The speaker mentioned that 85% of couples are so disconnected the husband doesn't even know his wife's favorite flower. Fred leaned over to  his wife and said "It's self-raising, isn't it?"   I have a friend who is really good at working with spreadsheets. Some might say he Excels at it.   My wife took apart all my Lego sets and mixed them all together... I'm not sure what to make of it.   Have you heard that new band, Platinum? It's pretty metal   After circling in the sky for hours do eagles have soar wings?   Fred  became a judge so that he could outlaw margarine. He wanted to make the world a butter place    Fred used to sing to God before realising that he's wasting his time with hymn

 

 

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door, and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel  The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car Without lookin