crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

  What's the difference between rockets and an empty plate at an English cream tea? One has nose cones and the other has no scones.   What does a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They are both Paris sites.   Why does Missouri like being surrounded by other states? Because Missouri loves company   What do you call a wizard who tries to change your political opinions? Propagandalf   What vegetable grows best in a whorehouse? Brothelsprouts.   Fred's first wife was deaf. The marriage lasted less than a year. She kept giving him the silent treatment.   When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.   If you ever get locked out of your house... Talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.

  A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'. She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new', answered the hairy man,

https://www.ancient-origins.net/news-evolution-human-origins/ufo-report-0015246  

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/pictures-of-the-hail-in-texas-and-ok  

  and this rant, as well, from moe... Do you have to use a shopping cart when shopping? (ie. the argument is to keep social distance). Is this a store policy decision?   I had a run-in this morning and got kicked out of the store for NOT using a cart -- I needed to pick up 3 items so decided I didn't need a cart. I was told I had to use a cart. I told them I didn't want to so they got the store manager who proceeded to walk me out the store. Ha !

 

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/health/wellness/20-things-to-know-about-farts/ss-BB1gb8Xv?li=AAggNb9  

https://fb.watch/58uGt07dRO/  

  Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old farmer, in town.     Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom replied, "Yes, it is true." Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"     Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."     Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand that very afternoon. Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again. Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?" Tom replied, "Good. She's preg

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, football & hockey players, but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000.00 and asked the little man: "What do

 

https://apple.news/AYWASdBihS5WBmnX1T8RKNw  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1] Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!" Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence." 2] A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out hi

 

 

 

 

 

  That's nice... Three recently married southern belles are sitting together catching up on all that had happened since their respective nuptials. It's not long before the three ladies begin showing off what their husbands had done to spoil them. The first belle sticks her left hand out and lets the sun hit the amazing diamond on her ring, "Isn't it beautiful, y'all?!" The second belle exclaims, "Oh my stars! I can't look at it; it's burning my eyes!" The third belle looks at it just for a moment or two, and simply replies, "Oh my, that's nice." The second belle takes her turn to show off and takes the girls to the front porch. When they get outside, they're greeted by a brand new rose pink Cadillac, "Y'all like it? We just got it yesterday!" "Oh lord, how beautiful!" The first belle replies, trying not to sound a little envious. "It looks like a dream, hon." The third belle looks at t

  Fred used to flash his ass at people, but that was many moons ago.   Before Jeff Bezos goes to bed he puts his pajamazon.

 

 

 

 

  1.When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big Tits. 2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. 3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability. 4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. 5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition. 6. When I turned 30, I fo

  Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other one replies, "You're scared; I gotta walk back alone"!   

https://fb.watch/544Yd8Ld5w/  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read:   My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;   My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;   My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.   As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.   So, they decided to go to a farmer friend whom they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.   The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.   Farmer math     Now, he divided the horses according to their father's Will.   Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.   1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.   1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

 Why are the Thai so rebellious? They have that Phuket attitude   Fred was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer. But he could never pass the bar.   I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.   What kind of people never get angry? Nomads   Have you heard about the depressed dude that drank so much mexican liquor that he almost died? Tried tequila himself.   My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter. But I'm on a roll now.   Fred always wanted to learn how to juggle. But he has never had the balls to do it. Fred used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D's. It was a ridiculously long name.   What soda do you drink when you have a big backlog of work ? Mountain Due   I have a friend who is a prominent geologist, but outside of work, he's very lazy and inactive. He lives a sedimentary lifestyle   Initially, I despised stay at home orders, but now I love it! I think it’s Stuck-home Syndrome   If pigs co

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/italian-man-accused-of-skipping-work-for-15-years-straight/ar-BB1fUf69?li=AAggNb9  

 

 

 

 

 

  People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals.. ..are just missing the point.   I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table... I know it’s genuine because . . . it has a bit of veneer missing.   I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard... I have no egrets.

 

  I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours. and made a laughing stock.   Elon Musk's favorite country? Mad-at-gas-car   I'm OK with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.   Fred bought one of those "Smart" light switches, but it was too clever for him. So he replaced it with a dimmer switch.   What do you call a Parisian with a foot fetish? Piedophile   My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me... I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"   Remember, it is ok to hug a tree... They are all bark and no bite.   My earliest clear memory from my childhood is going with my dad to get my prescription glasses. Life before that is a blur.   What do you call an arborist who has no money?

  Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood    

  https://fb.watch/4_RJNqx6jm/

https://fb.watch/4_QReNENQ7/  

https://fb.watch/4_R0xGLXNh/

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/jim-steinman-hitmaker-for-meat-loaf-and-celine-dion-dies/ar-BB1fRzRF?li=AAggNb9  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I bumped into Moe this morning at the grocery store.  We caught up on a few things, threw a couple of insults at each other after he said I look much better with my mask on, and then he pointed out to a grocery employee that I was going the wrong way down the aisle, based on the directional arrow on the floor. I said, "What the hell difference does it make which way I'm passing someone?  I'm still walking by them.  What's the difference if my ass or my face passes them first?  They're both covered anyways!"   Arrows in the aisle...could ya get more stupid than that?

 

 

https://fb.watch/4Y8Ukp7q9E/  

 

  Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

 

 

 

  Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.   In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.   One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"   "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."   "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.   "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.   "The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"   "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."   "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's

  Where did the hacker go? Oh, he ransomware.   I visited a place with no internet There was something amish   A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."   Whenever my artistic wife is sad, I let her draw things on my body.... I gave her a shoulder to crayon.  

  The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy." "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam. He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy." Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night

https://www.macleans.ca/opinion/how-did-it-come-to-this/?fbclid=IwAR2A2PMV4gbXhqV98ym3fP08AgLP7sOCC0uRBxyEXkash0mkqe8zg7H2o5c  

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://fb.watch/4VGBmZeSLi/  

https://youtu.be/-zS2YZM1OSQ  

https://www.driving.ca/toyota/auto-news/news/gatineau-police-stop-tiny-toyota-echo-pulling-huge-pontoon-boat  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 from vince: ·          If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness? ·          A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?” ·          Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. ·          What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. from gord: A ghostly apparition of the rock band Procol Harem appeared on my bedroom wall. I turned A Whiter Shade of Pale when I saw it.   How do you organise a party in space? Planet. And when the guests arrive, rocket.   What cars do rich people drive in Saudi Arabia? Islamborghini.   I used to be a shepherd, but I got fired... ...for falling asleep during inventory.   Fred used to be addicted to not showering. He's been clean for five years now   How do you execute a mathematician? With a hypotenoose.   The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'