crotchety ruv

 

 

  Fred boasted that he could beat his friend at scrabble. He ended up eating his words. Fred got ripped off at the Japanese restaurant. It was a ponzu scheme. What does an escalator do when it stops working? Nothing, It just stairs. Fred once dated a woman who worked in natural resource extraction overseas. Turns out she was a gold

 

 

 

 

  How did the beauty school students do on their manicure test? They nailed it. Fred couldn't remember where he stored his root vegetables. But he's sure they'll turnip somewhere. A girl who collects snails, turtles, oysters and clams? Shelly. People can have up to 20% of their nightmares about cheese varieties. The rest are butter dreams.

 

 

  Seven days without puns Makes one weak. Fred told me a joke about wealthy people. It was rich. The most annoying animals in Jamaica? Jerk chickens. Fred found a cheap boat with no motor. It was on sail.

 

 

  Fred dismantled his abacus… …all the way down to its counter parts. Never date a baker..... .... they're too kneady. I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant. They banh mi pho life. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

  A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving...

 

 

  Fred made some videos of vegetables and meat simmering in water. It’s stock footage. How do you measure the quality of a pun? With a Sighs-mo-graph. Where do they treat people with cheese obsessions? Emmental hospital. Treating eczema is hard, you have to start from scratch .

 

 

 

 Fred accidentally threw his heirloom wrist watch into the trash. It was a waste of precious time. Being unemployed was tough but Fred got a new job repairing porcelain. His future is in pieces but he's putting it back together. As a boxer Fred had the worst defence ever. Hands down. A guy tried to sell me a mirror, but I knew it was a scam I could see right through it.

 

from vince..  

  Fred keeps taking photos of himself with a boiling kettle. He has selfie steam issues. Fred told a bad hepatectomy joke. It was poorly delivered. Fred recently attempted to improve his ambidexterity. At first he had mixed feelings about it but now he believes it's more than just right. Fred and his wife split up for religious reasons. She worshipped money. He didn’t have any.

 

 

from vince...  

  Pediatricians always seem so irritated. Because they have little patients. Fred accidentally planted the wrong flowers in his garden. Oopsie daisies. Fred thought he heard someone say hello in Arabic. Turns out, it was a false salaam. Fred recently crashed a wedding at an ice hotel. Talk about a cold reception…

 

 

  Sending puns isn’t my main job. It’s just my sigh gig. Captain Jack Sparrow's fitness channel? Pilates of the Caribbean. A boyband that only played classical music? The bach street boys. Fred's favourite restaurant serves authentic New Orleans dishes. He goes there on special oc-Cajuns.

 

 

  There’s a new superhero who can recite all the prime numbers. He’s called “The Indivisible Man." Fred abstained from using spreadsheet apps for 40 days. He said it was excel-lent. Fred's dentist plays in a heavy rock band. They call themselves plaque sabbath. We can use female sheep to make stockings, but not leather. This is because ewe can run, but ewe can’t hide.