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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument. from doug...
Fred's new girlfriend asked if he was left-leaning like she is. He replied no, both his legs were the same length. Fred prefers playing records instead of streaming Spotify, he just likes the authentic sound. That’s his decision and it's vinyl. Eggplant is the red headed step child of the vegetable family… It must be the auburn gene. People often ask me why I'm so generous... Because, I'm allergic to selfish.
Fred lost his job as a graffiti artist. He never saw it coming but really should have seen the writing on the wall. A delivery vehicle carrying 24 dozen eggs crashed on the highway. The resulting mess was just two gross. Apparently you *have* to call them Personal Computers now... Anything else just isn't PC. Fireflies are the opposite of waterfalls.
John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19... But doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive. Fred got a job as a long-haul truck driver. He is really going places. My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian It's like I've never seen herbivore. An internship at the crematorium: There's no salary, but if you earn your keep, you can keep your urn.
If you play guitar and want to know the secret to making it sound better. Please stay tuned... How often do mushrooms reproduce? Sporadically. Fred claims that doing a single yoga pose counts as a whole workout. I think that's a bit of a stretch. The difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
"You better wait an hour or so before mowing the grass- it's probably still wet this early" said Tom after dew consideration. "OK, the Sun has enough time to take care of the dew," Tom said dryly... "Don't let me drown in Egypt!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial. "Congratulations; you graduated," said Tom diplomatically.
After Fred's wife's father died, He bought her a bottle of Listerine. She had mourning breath. Your drill will never get jammed if you are a bit cleaner. What is the leakiest country? Ooze-bekistan. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m done simplifying fractions. I’ve had enough of this cancel culture
The escargot Fred ordered from France was spoiled when he got them… …He shouldn’t have used snail-mail. Why can't you collect buzzard feathers? Because it's vultural appropriation. It used to be called an outhouse Shouldn't it be called an inhouse now? Bono has still not found what he's looking for.... ...because the streets have no name.
Fred lost his job as a set designer. He left without making a scene. There were two 60's sitcoms about families of cheese makers. The Muensters and The Edams Family. Old librarians never retire. They just go out of circulation. Fred hates his job at the factory testing brake pedals. It’s depressing.
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over . So, he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other...
I’m reading a book about sandpaper… …turns out it’s a work of friction. The difference between the mailman and the garbage man? Only one brings you junk. A brass player went to the hospital with a swollen leg. He was diagnosed with deep vein trombosis. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price .
Fred constantly sings church music at home. His wife gets very frustrated with hymn. There’s a new strain of bird flu that requires immediate tweetment. My keyboard broke. I've lost control, there is no escape, and I just want some space. A man with a calculator, a protractor, and a compass was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
An AI-powered New Age guru? Deepfake Chopra. Nine out of ten zoo dentists refuse to treat polar bears unless they've been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that… There’s safety in numb-bears. And many more know of his sister who always lets everyone down - Ellie. But did you know he has another sister? Exca. She's just a really big hoe. Fred discovered that dolphins have an extra sense that humans don’t have— He calls it a “sense of porpoise.”
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd ...
Fred dressed up as a screwdriver last Halloween. It wasn't the greatest costume but it turned a lot of heads. Some Pennsylvanians drink fine wine out of one liter beer glasses. Philly steins. Fred found some very old coins but they were so worn that he couldn’t make heads or tails of them. The person who put the “s” in fast food was a marketing genius.