Gordisms...

 Fred read a book on how to speak duck...

It was complete quackery.

Paleontologists really dig their work.

When people learn to read, it opens a lot of doors.
Especially ones that say "push" or "pull".

Fred's wife was yelling at him earlier, but he had no idea what she was mad about.
He's not good at solving cross word puzzles.

Now I know why they call me a grown up.
I groan everytime I get up.

Fred's maintenance guy recently lost his legs in a terrible accident.
Now he's just a handyman.

Fred has a bad habit of running red lights.

He really needs to stop.

Fred would have been a good chocolatier.
He just couldn't control his temper.

Egg farmers really pack their hens in tightly.

It’s just layers upon layers.

Take your problem and put it in a glass of water.
Stir it well and now you have a solution.

I have forgotten most of what I learned about sea sponges.
There was just too much to absorb.

A soothsayer who has terrible luck?
Misfortune teller.