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This morning I went to the hospital to visit my mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back, my wife, very worried, asked, "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" I said, "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" "Wow that's amazing!" said my wife. "But that is very strange, dear. Yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
Fred wrote a play about broken bones. Now all he needs is a cast... Why is it easier to stop a car going downhill? Because braking up is hard to do. Fred finally taught his grandma what email was. It changed her whole Outlook on life. I saw an audiologist today, but I think I'll get a second opinion... Why on earth would I need Heron Eggs? Which Aerosmith song would you listen to if you were excited to start a lower paying job? Sweet Demotion. Fred worships certain shades of blue He's a Cyantologist. My wife and I were arguing about whose hobby was better. It was a conflict of interests. It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals. And blamed it on the cost of living. Fred said that his job as a tailor was just sew sew, My wife has a tendency to kill every house plant we get. I told her when it comes to plant care she has the Midas touch, as in Midas well not bother. Why are they called “elevators” whe
Fred thought that he would make a great yoga instructor. But then figured it would be too much of a stretch. Fred had a fear of people over six feet, but he's over it... He developed a tall-erance. Mensa claims they can work out how smart someone is by having them wait in line for free ice-cream. They call it an "I queue" test. Before you start on some dangerous work, it’s a good idea to do the "Safety Twerk". Show a bun dance of caution. I’ve taken up drats. It’s like darts but i miss a lot. Imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory. A fortune teller realized that soon she was going to need stitches. It was a foreseeable suture. Fred highly recommends his chiropractor... He does a cracking job. People these days are so judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them. I think I took my interest in statues and busts too far. I got a head of myself. Fred bought some wood and brackets to orga
Baseball Quiz....What is the score, what inning, etc., etc.?
It's 5 to 4, bottom of the fifth, one out and nobody on.
Dog trainers tend to have long-lasting marriages. They know how to get someone to stay. Don't you hate it when you're singing along to a song on the radio..... and the artist gets the lyrics wrong. I don't care if the appliance controlling the temperature in my house has any flaws... I love it airconditionally. I swear I just saw that same cat walk past me a few seconds ago . . . Worst case of déjà mew I've had in a while. Another name for a water diviner? Well-wisher. Fred had an interview at a logging company that went really well. So well, that they went ahead and made him the branch manager. I ate some rice that tasted more like pasta. Orzo I thought. Fred asked me if he should use a lower grit sandpaper for his project. I said of coarse. You know what they say about hyperboles... They're the absolute worst. I’ve decided to get Velcro shoes instead of lace-ups I mean, why knot? You don't pay a
from doug.....
In the back woods of Tennessee, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Fred wants to go on a diet. But he has too much on his plate right now. Construction worker's favourite music artists? Rebar McEntire and MC Hammer. People think Fred is a good boss because of his open door policy. It’s only because he's unhinged. A woman complained that Fred didn't have any Dutch cheese in his shop. He replied, "Frankly my dear, I don't give edam". Math professors often get into fights when they go out drinking. They're always looking for something to prove. If you sneer at imperial liquid measures, you may be in contempt of quart. My doctor suggested a blindfold to help with my sleep issues. I can't see myself wearing one. What’s the best place to grow leafy greens? The subherbs. How many pirates does it take to change a lightbulb? Avast amount. Fred smoked a bunch of weed with his girlfriend. It was the high point of their relationship. I received some great advic
