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I try to laugh at my optometrist’s jokes, but his sense of humor is corneas hell. My thesaurus is terrible and also ter·ri·ble No wait.. It’s actually a dictionary, that explains everything. The counter in the middle of the kitchen when it's filled with pies, cakes, and cookies? A desserted island. What did the plumber say when he left his wife Florence? It’s over flo. Fred bought a Korean car at a Swedish bulk store It's an Ikia. Fred went to the bakery and the last remaining bread was shaped like a young cow. He said "Oh well, heifer loaf is better than none!" Fred was once a funny alcoholic. Now he has a dry sense of humor. Fred tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find. I wrote my autobiography but it didn’t get published. Story of my life. I had a friend who couldn't speak. Haven't heard from him in a while. Fred gave up drinking and ate noo
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me,
There's a rich Saudi Arabian man trying to buy every fish and chip shop in Britain. His name is Sultan Vinegar. Fred competed in a decorative macrame knots contest. He didn't win, but did tie for second place. There is a new Southeast Asian band that covers 80’s new wave. Durian Durian A student copied an essay on the Black Death from the Internet. He was a bubonic plagiarist. The cashier told Fred, "Strip down facing me." By the time he realized she meant the credit card, it was too late. What book makes grammar sexy? The Comma Sutra. If it weren’t for Venetian blinds It’d be curtains for us all. The inventor of the speedboat has died His funeral is on Saturday, followed by a wake. Fred was told many times, it’s wrong to shoplift But he just doesn’t buy it. Egyptian pyramids are where the old Giza's hang out. Fred's wife found out he was cheating on her after she found all the letters he was hid
I will never, ever take those protein products for bodybuilders. No whey. A fire that broke out during a cremation ceremony. There was a cremature evacuation. Fred is thinking of making a soft rock band. Thinking of calling it Rubberica Many people don't seem to like Gregorian music. Maybe they just haven’t given it a chants. You can smoke in the rain but don't in hail. People who can't distinguish entomology from etymology bug me in ways I can't put into words. Fred's wife wanted something romantic for her birthday So he gave her an old Italian vase - very Rome antique. Fred used to enjoy riding his bike through campgrounds. "Used to" because it was past tents. A farmer started a lucrative sideline selling waste from his cattle. He was a real entremanure. If you feel like you are going to vomit, keep quiet. Don't bring it up. My wife asked me to be romantic so I leaned in close and q
Fred's furniture goes back to Louis the 14th. That is, unless he pays Louis by the 13th. Fred said that his group photo was doctored. A guy in the back row had a stethoscope around his neck. I found out I have an albino doppelganger Sadly it's just a pale imitation. What do you call leftover treasure? Resid-jewels. Fred's childhood home had five foot ceilings. When he grew up he couldn't stand living there. NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens. They are calling it Apollo G. Fred's oldest boy insulted him while they were at the beach It was a bad son burn. I forced myself to stop going to the bank Now I’m suffering withdrawals I wanted to know why galvanization of metal takes so long. I am steel reading about it, but I think it's about to zinc in. Some say that J.R.R. Tolkein was never truthful, and that he was an hobbitual liar. Fred went to see a psychic and she was in a ba
