Gordisms...

 

I try to laugh at my optometrist’s jokes,
but his sense of humor is corneas hell.

 

My thesaurus is terrible and also ter·ri·ble
No wait.. It’s actually a dictionary, that explains everything.

 

The counter in the middle of the kitchen when it's filled with pies, cakes, and cookies?
A desserted island.

 

What did the plumber say when he left his wife Florence?
It’s over flo.

 

Fred bought a Korean car at a Swedish bulk store
It's an Ikia.

 

Fred went to the bakery and the last remaining bread was shaped like a young cow.

He said "Oh well, heifer loaf is better than none!"

Fred was once a funny alcoholic.
Now he has a dry sense of humor.

 

Fred tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.

 

I wrote my autobiography but it didn’t get published.
Story of my life.

 

I had a friend who couldn't speak.
Haven't heard from him in a while.

 

Fred gave up drinking and ate noodles instead.
He's been soba for six months now.

 

Fred was driving down the road and saw his ex.

He said it's funny how "I'd hit that" changes meaning over the years