crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

  They conducted a research with a couple of visually-impaired folks on how much alcohol they could take. It was a double blind, beer-reviewed study.   Egyptian laborers were fooled by the pharaohs It was a pyramid scheme.   Fred bought a knife that can cut through four chunks of bread at once… It’s a four-loaf cleaver.   Fred went to a smoke shop to discover that it had been replaced by an apparel store… …clothes, but no cigar.   Fred would have become a monk if only he had had the chants.   In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election. It's the Tally Ban. I woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my face hit the pilau.   Don't trust people who do acupuncture. They're often back stabbers.   Fred swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station? It was an April Fuels joke   The older I get, the earlier it gets late.   Everybody in line after you at a buffet

 

 

 

  The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.  The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."   The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"

 

 

 

 

  Pigeons have taken over the government... It's being called the 'coo of the century".   I walked past a playground and heard some tunes playing. It was swing music.   Fred bought his wife a lamp in the shape of a Pepsi bottle She was soda lighted.   The comic told a lot of jokes about sewing. He had the audience in stitches.   Is it true that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" Or is it one of Granny's myths?   Rehab is for quitters. Amazon has a new dating site. It's called Prime Mates   If a donkey had wings would it be a bird of bray?   It seems strange that the coffee club was giving out t-shirts.   Fred and his wife got divorced and decided to split the house. He got the outside.   Anything recommended by a stoned person is highly recommended.   I find that what always floats my boat is the concept of buoyancy.  

https://youtu.be/aR11A8IiXnk  

 

 

A desperate looking pretty woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.  A dirty old homeless bloke who was wandering by stopped and said,   "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"   She screamed, "NO!  Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"   He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."   She didn't jump

  Old Macdonald was simply spelling 'redirection' without any consonants.                                    Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived...                                                       Do train spotters wear platform shoes?                                        I have never realized before that there are canoes in volcanoes.                                              Just passed my prostate exam, I was deeply touched.                             Schizophrenic Annual Ball at the weekend . I'm in two minds whether to go.                                                          I had amnesia once, or was it twice?                       I took the gold medal at the kleptomania finals.   I also took the silver and bronze.                                           A sense of irony today, after dropping an iron onto my knee.                                                      I was going to make

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/canada/article-ontario-scraps-plan-to-mandate-postsecondary-requirement-for-police/  

 

The Genius of Steven Wright: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way,

 

  Which fanatical group makes life hard everyday? The diffi cult   The best way to clean a pig is with hogwash.   If life is a highway, and it’s my way or the highway Does that mean life isn’t going my way?   The spacex starship launch was a success. It was a "poof of concept"   Fred's starting to think his wife wishes she married a fruit farmer She keeps telling him that he needs to grow a pear.   A philanthropist donated his French impressionist painting and some rare eastern european art to a museum. The museum go Monet for nothing and Czechs for free. I went out in the freezing rain storm It hurt like hail.   The sandwich that I had made me laugh. I was on wry bread.   Fred had a hard time eating thin porridge for breakfast It was gruelling.   A civil engineer's favourite workout? Bridges   I met an angry fisherman today. He was out of line.   Never trust a nudist who owns a washer and dryer.   Is a meeting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  The animal that both loves and hates the Arctic? The bi-polar bear.   Your feet are legends.   Do angry lumberjacks throw timber tantrums?   Fred and his wife are a temperamental couple.. He's got a temper and she’s mental.   Recently I bumped into the guy who sold me my miniature globe. It’s a small world.   Fred has a pet tree. It's like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter. What do they smoke in Quebec on 4/20? Oui'd   If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s nobody there to hear it, not only does it make a sound, but it’s the right timbre.   Fred was so unpopular at school they used to call him "Batteries". He was never included in anything.   Flat Earth theories are too edgy for my worldview.   Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything.   If the Pope doesn't feel like going to church, does he just send out a mass text?