Gordisms...

 

They conducted a research with a couple of visually-impaired folks on how much alcohol they could take.
It was a double blind, beer-reviewed study.

 

Egyptian laborers were fooled by the pharaohs
It was a pyramid scheme.

 

Fred bought a knife that can cut through four chunks of bread at once…
It’s a four-loaf cleaver.

 

Fred went to a smoke shop to discover that it had been replaced by an apparel store…
…clothes, but no cigar.

 

Fred would have become a monk if only he had had the chants.

 

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.
It's the Tally Ban.

I woke up with a face full of rice.
I must've fallen asleep as soon as my face hit the pilau.

 

Don't trust people who do acupuncture.
They're often back stabbers.

 

Fred swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?
It was an April Fuels joke

 

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

 

Everybody in line after you at a buffet is really just eating your leftovers.