crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

 Fred's wife says he snores. But he prefers to be called a sound sleeper.   There's one thing I just can't deal with... ...and that's a deck of cards glued together.   Potatoes make good detectives because they keep their eyes peeled.   Do evil chickens lay deviled eggs?   I love watching programmes about lakes and rivers on the Internet. I'm actually watching a live stream right now.   What do donut shops and funeral homes have in common? They are mostly for mourning people.   Everybody told Fred that if his wife got weight loss surgery that she would leave him, but he didn’t believe them. But now every day he sees less and less of her.   Due to inflation, the high five has slumped to a simple middle finger.

 

 

 

 

 

 If someone asks you to chop all his firewood for him, should you be nice and do it for nothing? Axeing for a friend.   Right before having a colonoscopy, Fred asked the gastroenterologist “Why did you choose this specialty ?” His answer : “There was an opening “   The opposite of Artificial Intelligence is real stupidity.   The city in Nevada that hosts the biggest dentist's convention? Floss vegas   The best thing to make a small fortune in the Stock Market? A large fortune.

 

 

 

 

 What do you call the holiest part of a car? A Catholic-Converter   Skeletons are always calm because nothing gets under their skin.   I messed up baking today Now I have awry bread.   Chile is a country that is both hot and cold   My creditors have teamed up on me. It's a coalition of the billing.   I found two large bumps on my car battery.. Got them tested and one came back positive, it's terminal.   A  jumbo shrimp with multiple wives is an oxy-mormon   Fred  started dating a shopaholic She comes with a lot of baggage   If you press the brake and the gas pedal at the same time does the car take a screenshot?   You can't go around saying that the polar ice caps are causing sea levels to rise. That's glacial profiling.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The clerk smiles at her and says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."   I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

 

 

 

 

 Someone keeps sending me floral arrangements with the flowers cut off... ...I think I'm being stalked   I saw a guy the store yesterday buying 5 crates of San Miguel and 4 kilos of chorizo. I thought to myself 'Hispanic buying'   Fred was building a guitar, but he hasn't finished it yet He told me to stay tuned   A cow that’s addicted to its phone? A moo-llenial.   Is making a belt out of watches a waist of time?   It's always best to receive bad news while jogging so that you can take it in stride.   Morticians and coroners should be very muscular people They do a lot of deadlifting   Where there's a will, there's a relative.   What did Tina Turner use to paint her kitchen? Second hand emulsion.   Fred is making a sitcom about a group of deaf friends who live together in new york it's called signfeld  

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=5267345106643221&id=100001033524385  

 

 

 

 

 

 How do you comfort an English teacher? "There, their, they're"   The 3 headed dog that sits next to the sidewalk outside of Hell? Curberus.   The arrival of spring is such a re-leaf for trees.   Fred  comes from a family of failed magicians... He has 2 half sisters.   How do you help a fish with scoliosis? Take him to a Back Sturgeon.   A  woman who carries people across rivers? Bridget.   Who's the wildest comedian out there? Will Feral   The English language is pretty strange and confusing but can be understood through tough thorough thought though.   I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.