great monday gordies....

 Someone keeps sending me floral arrangements with the flowers cut off...

...I think I'm being stalked

 

I saw a guy the store yesterday buying 5 crates of San Miguel and 4 kilos of chorizo.
I thought to myself 'Hispanic buying'

 

Fred was building a guitar, but he hasn't finished it yet
He told me to stay tuned

 

A cow that’s addicted to its phone?
A moo-llenial.

 

Is making a belt out of watches a waist of time?

 

It's always best to receive bad news while jogging so that you can take it in stride.

 

Morticians and coroners should be very muscular people
They do a lot of deadlifting

 

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

 

What did Tina Turner use to paint her kitchen?
Second hand emulsion.

 

Fred is making a sitcom about a group of deaf friends who live together in new york
it's called signfeld